March 14

Lots of open tabs again. Sigh. I must admit to some reluctance to keep bashing my head against this wall. But I keep thinking how nice it will be when I can eventually stop. And, honestly, it gives me something to do. Yes, taking care of my mom and working at the Smith both take up time, and daily, weekly, and monthly home and personal maintenance take up time. As do other funner activities that I do sometimes (juggle, play piano, play xBox, read, write (oh, look, I'm writing now!) use minutes in a day. And they are all valid uses of my time. I would, though, I think and believe, like to be in a real, happy, healthy long term relationship. And unless I happen into a woman at The Smith - or a traveling sales person (hmm, would I really have lots in common with someone who was a traveling sales person) knocks on the door, I believe that expanding my surface area by continuing to send out message after message, reaching out to all and sundry, just might make me feel like I am making a true effort in finding a life partner.

I posed a question on my status line on FB about being in a relationship with someone who dictated who your friends could be. I limited it to FB, but that sort of behavior has been happening throughout time. I, of course, am of the opinion that if someone told me that I couldn't be friends with so and so or else, then I might very well choose not to be in the relationship. Love, which we hope is the basis of a relationship, is, to me, about acceptance - which also encompasses respect and trust. I accept my love, my partner, as they are - which means I respect their choices and trust that they are doing the best they can for themselves. And if that includes being friends with someone that I think is not in their best interest, I might mention my belief to them, but not "forbid" them to have anything to do with that person. Once I have shared my thoughts, I can then re-think our own relationship. Maybe the person I am in a relationship isn't the best person for me to be with.

First note - G&G since our match percentages are messed up (OK Cupid - 45 - not far sort of) 50% Match 37% Friend 32% Enemy - eek actually... All she had for most of her answers was "sex sleep eat drink dream" Sigh.

Second Note - Probably also G&G because she lives in Canada - but nothing ventured... - 40 and 74% Match 45% Friend 7% Enemy - Short and sweet and clear profile! Going for a slightly humorous note. Wish me luck! - She said distance was an issue. Lame. Whatever. I wrote her a note I always mean to ask - especially when I have written a decent note - which I did in her case - which is "Does she receive notes that are twice as good from people half the distance away?" I sincerely doubt it...She responded that she was new and that mine was the best so far! Maybe mine was the only one. Who knows? Still, it is somewhat reassuring to hear that I give good notes!

Next note - I don't remember if this is a first note or not. I remember this woman and am not sure if I put fingers to keys for her before - I think I did - but I can't recall. Oh well. Damn match for not keeping track of all messaging history! Glarp even. 

Third Note - Match 45 - probably G&G because I get a conservative vibe from her - and because she only wants someone 50. Age is just a number is a mantra I often here...Anyway, she lives almost next door in a relative sort of way. My note was nice, but not great. 

Fourth Note - Match 37 - not far - but the age is wrong - and again I get the conservative vibe. So I sent a G&G note. 
 

March 13

Too far? Really? That's an excuse for not getting to know someone? Personally, I think it is a lame excuse. People used to get to know each other through snail mail across continents and oceans. And these people think that 200 miles is too far? No wonder they aren't in a relationship. God knows I would be thrilled to find someone in my town, within walking distance. It hasn't happened - it could, but it hasn't. Until then, I am happy to get to know anyone anywhere - because life is short and why say "no." That is just fear talking and I try not to buy into fear whenever possible.

This diatribe is because several times people have said that they don't want to get to know me because I live too far from them. It could be the actual reason, and if it is, well, I guess we really weren't compatible and best of luck to them. I will give anyone the opportunity to convince me that they ought to be a part of my life - even when I think they aren't someone I think would be a positive factor in my existence. Why not? What have I got to lose except for a little time and energy? Energy I have in abundance, and time? Who knows, I might pop off tomorrow or they (whoever they might be and if they decide to share it with the hoi polloi) might discover the key to eternal life in my lifetime.

Wrote a note to a woman on OK Cupid - 43 living not so very far away. I liked her profile and it seemed we have many similar tastes. Will she write, or won't she? Time will tell...She looked and didn't write. Yet. I have had people who took a month to write. What that is about is anyone's guess. I just write them off mentally if they look and don't respond at that point.

March 7

I'm not feeling it today. I took a gander at OK Cupid matches and was severely underwhelmed. And since none of the people I wrote yesterday have, surprisingly, not taken it upon themselves to send me a note in return, I am just not feeling up to writing any notes today. This could, of course, change. Anything is possible.

I am going to add something to my profiles. I doubt it will help, but one never knows. Does everyone know the parable that goes something like this:

One day a man was listening to the radio and heard flood warnings for his town. He said, I am not afraid, God will take care of me. Later, a policeman knocked on his door and told him he should evacuate to higher ground because of the flood. He answered, I am not afraid, God will take care of me. The rain started raining and the flood waters started rising. The street in front of his house (and his first floor) was flooded. He was on the roof over his porch. A man in a canoe paddled by and offered to paddle him to safety. He called out, I am not afraid, God will take care of me. Later still, the waters rose higher. He climbed to the roof. A powerboat came by and offered to take him to safety. He shouted out, I am not afraid, God will take care of me. The waters rose even higher so the man climbed his chimney. A helicopter flew by and offered to fly him to safety. He yelled at the top of his lungs, I am not afraid, God will take care of me. The waters continued to rise and eventually the man drowned. In the afterlife he came to God and said - God, I was firm in my faith. Why didn't you save me? God responded - who do you think sent the radio message, the policeman, the canoe, the motorboat and the helicopter?!

So I am going to adapt it to:
Once upon a time, a woman was hoping to find love, so she joined an online dating service. She said, I  know I will find a good man, the Universe will provide him. Later, she got an email in her in box. A nice note, nothing too exciting, but good grammar, showing a little thought. She looked at his profile and thought - too old! - and didn't respond. She said to herself, I know I will find a thoughtful and witty man, the Universe will provide him. The next day she got another message - a thoughtful note with a little bit of wit that actually made her laugh out loud. She looked at his profile and thought - too far away! - and didn't respond. She said to herself, I know I will find a man who will be a great and loving partner to me, the Universe will provide him. The next day she got yet another email, full of nice thoughts and interesting observations that seemed great and even loving - she looked at his profile - he's not my type! - and didn't respond. Eventually the woman ended up alone or with the same type of man who she always had chosen in the past and ended up miserable in love. In the afterlife she lamented her state and said, Universe, why didn't you send me a good, thoughtful, witty, loving man? The Universe responded - who do you think sent the man who wrote those great email messages?!

Is it a sign of liking someone to think when looking at a pile of culled, sorted-out, "magically delicious" charms, "I'd share those with her?"

March 6

I closed all the open tabs last night without writing to 10 of the people. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. It is a lot of work, crafting even short notes of icebreaking. And I just didn't feel up to it.

That being said, who has three more open tabs? This guy...

Note the first - OKC - 45 85% Match 59% Friend 12% Enemy - lives a bit further than either of us would probably like, but there you are - or rather, there she is...anyway, I dropped her a nice note - we are both in the same boat - taking care of our parents. We shall see - OKC says she responds frequently...

Note the second - OKC - 90% Match 74% Friend 6% Enemy - 37 - not far and I am within her desired age range - hope rears its ugly little head (or is hope a pretty critter? Hmm) - My note was not awesome, but it was serviceable...

Note the third - OKC - 61% Match 71% Friend 22% Enemy - G&G as she doesn't want someone as old as I am - heck, it might not even go through - sometimes people in foreign countries (even Canada) make that a requirement. It went through - not an inspired message.

It isn't that I am impatient. Or maybe it is. Sometimes when I write a note, it is the waiting to hear back that is irksome. I do try to fill my life so that waiting doesn't seem like waiting. But sometimes, even through all of the activities, in the back of my mind I am thinking - is it time to check my mail again yet? Is it? Now? Now? Now?  

Note the fourth - Match - I showed interest in her a while ago she is 43 and lives not far away - only interested in someone up to 50. So, probably G&G on my part - not the best note...

Note the fifth - Match - 47 - in my daily matches - not far, yay - and is definitely seeking someone older. I am older. Not much in her profile...just noticed she wants someone 25 miles away...so, probably G&G. Not a great note... 
 
 

Feb 28

Holy crap, has it been a month already? All this work and what are the results? Well, I will write about that tomorrow or the next day. I will also decide if I am going to keep this up or not...

Here's a confession for you - I, too, have a fear of rejection. No matter how many books I have read and seminars I have attended and life experiences I have, er, experienced, I am not a fan of rejection. I do try to let rejection slide off my back (Her loss, next, whatever - etc.) but that doesn't mean that the implied rejection (sometimes not so much implied as explicit) doesn't hurt. And not yet being a masochist, or even one who is covered in an admantine shell of self-love (Hey, I do love myself, a lot, but...) I still feel hurt. And weirdly, oddly, I don't enjoy the feeling. I have not learned to embrace the pain and let it go. Not completely. Or not enough to make running toward rejection easy. Though, every once in a while, I do manage - like my two 10+ days of note writing. Followed by a couple of days of melancholy, admittedly - still. I did put myself out there. I try to live a life that acknowledges fear and moves through it to love. Fear is, after all, the mindkiller. Doesn't always work.

This all came from my lack of interest in asking for help. I am sure that comes around to two fears - fear of rejection and lack of trust (which is fear that the other person won't live up to their stated choices). And dating, especially asking someone out on a date - especially out in the real world - is asking for help. Isn't it?

First note - to a woman I have seen and written to on POF, OK Cupid and now Match.com. I am sure to get no response. She responded once on POF about a year and a half ago...and she wasn't interested in then - so I doubt she will be interested now...

Feb 27

Two realizations for this blog.

First realization - mom is getting worse and I feel worse and worse leaving her alone for long periods of time - by long I mean four hours or so. And by alone, I mean not in the same house. I don't spend my days sitting with her...which means that dating will be more of a challenge unless people are, ha, interested in coming to Geneva to meet me. Hahahahahahahaha. Ha. Haha. Ha. (Uncontrollable fit of laughter...)

Second realization - ok, not really a realization - more of a statement - I am going to add something to my website about liking The Princess Bride (which I think is there on most of my profiles (well, at least one of the three active profiles) Firefly (might be on one), and Ender's Game (Or should I make that the Wheel of Time series). Hmm. We shall see.