This is a quick "how to NOT send mixed signals" post.
Men and women are both guilty of sending "mixed signals." What I mean by this is that we communicate in a way that might lead the person we are communicating with to believe that there is a level of interest on the communicators part that isn't actually there. Sometimes intentionally. Usually, at least I hope it is usually, through ignorance. Sending mixed signals intentionally is really, really, really a crappy thing to do. I understand, both genders (all genders) want to be liked and want to keep their options open, have a fall back, nurture someone for a potential bootie call or one night stand or whatever. Better, though, to be upfront with someone. Oddly, honesty really is the best, most healthy policy. Unless you are dealing with someone with Alzheimer's, but that is something else entirely. Anyway, the following is not an exhaustive list of ways to avoid sending mixed signals, but it will do for a start.
1) Don't, just don't.
Don't send mixed signals. If you are unsure what this means, either a) don't send any messages at all to someone who might harbor romantic feelings for you or b) read this post before sending your next message.
2) Stopping before you start
If you get the feeling that someone is interested in your romantically, be straight forward with them if you do not feel the same way and do not anticipate feeling the same way in the foreseeable future. Since the future is not clear, and AIP (Anything is Possible) all you can do is a quick gut check on how you feel at the moment and let the person know that.
This is a good way to do communicate the state of your lack of emotional, romantic interest in someone: "Hey, you seem like a nice (good, friendly, etc.) person. Unfortunately, I do not feel that we would be good romantic partners. Best of luck in your search, blah, blah, blah." This response is, of course, for use on the internet. If this is someone you know not through the internet, but someone who you met in real life and might have occasion to see again (like a coworker, or someone at a place you frequent (coffee shop, dentist's office, bus stop) there is a different response that would be work: "Hey, I am glad that we have gotten to know each other as well as we have. Unfortunately, I am not interested in exploring a potential romantic relationship with you at this time. I hope that you find someone who is interested in such a thing. See you on Monday (or whenever you might see them again)." Please note the use of "hey" instead of "Dear" in a written format and instead of using their name (because, I don't know their name and typing something about that up there was beyond my level of competency at the time of writing that bit...) in a real life situation. Because people apparently still do meet in real life sometimes. Weird, but true. Ok, moving on.
3) Start how you mean to continue
Best to begin the way you will continue. If you believe that you would like to take things slowly, friends first and all that sort of hooey (because, you know that when the lightning strikes you, you will not follow any of these suggestions), then state that in your first communications. "Hey, you seem like an interesting person (meaning of course, that you find them interesting, but since you are wanting to take things slowly, you don't want to be too enthusiastic at this early stage) and I would like to know you better. I am, though, in a "friends first and take it slow" phase of my life. So, please don't take my slow responses (which you will do because you don't want to give the impression that you are "keen") and seeming lack of enthusiasm as a sign that I am totally disinterested. It is just me making sure that we do move slowly and that I don't send you signals that might be misinterpreted."
4) Speed of responses
Do not respond to texts and emails and calls etc. at a pace that could be construed as being excited to communicate with the person. In other words, if someone sends you an email on a dating site, and you think, ok, this person isn't heinous. Maybe there is some possibility of going on a date or two and seeing what they are like in real life, then respond in a timely fashion. Within 24 hours. Anything less than a one minute delay in responding will appear to the infatuated as eagerness. If a texting give and take occurs, limit it to about 20 exchanges (depending on the length of the texts) at the most. Give a good reason, preferably an honest one, but at this point, even a made up one is ok, as long as it isn't flirtatious or open to misinterpretation. Do not say anything about anything personal - no washing your hair, changing your clothes to go out, etc. Just say, thank you for texting. Do not add anything like talk to you later, ttfn, looking forward to chatting more, etc. Unless you mean it! Just end it and wait until later to have see if another hot and heavy texting exchange occurs.
5) Pet names - definitely a mixed signal if you have no intention of heavy petting with them
If you have somehow gone past the point above, again, do not send messages or communications that the other person might possibly construe as a mixed message. And to be clear, since the person is looking at you through a haze of lust (or love or whatever) they will interpret the slightest thought, word or deed as a mixed message, a sliver of a glimmer of hope that you might actually succumb to their charms and fall into a rollicking romantic relationship with them. So, no pet names. Do not call someone, for random instance, "Silly Man." Yes, they may be being silly. So what? Do not encourage their silliness. Other things to avoid - honey, sweetie, sweetheart, lambkin, poo bear, Stud, stud muffin, etc. The list is endless. All the names on that list are a big no-no when trying not to send mixed signals. And no, forgetting their name is no excuse to use a pet name instead. If you can't remember their name, it is definitely a sign that you should probably stop communicating with them. Right now.
6) Flirting, if you do not see a romantic relationship in the future, is a big fat no!
Do not do or write or say anything that might be construed as flirting!!!! I cannot stress this enough. If you do not know what flirting in writing is here are some examples: "Hey gorgeous, you look hot." "Could you be any cuter?" "You are so awesome, I could hug you to pieces." Etc.
7) Sealed with a kiss - no!
Do not close notes with anything that could be construed as possible physical contact. No "hugs" or "kisses" for sure. And that goes not just for the words, but also for any symbols, emojis or the good old x's and o's. You certainly don't want to hug or kiss the person if you are not interested in a romantic relationship with them. Though a good hug, even with someone who is not interested in you, is a tempting thing...
8) Do not overshare.
Do not over share. Seriously. Even if the other person says that it is impossible for you to over share, do not do it. Do not share anything that you might regret sharing later. (Lack of regrets is a topic for another post...) If the other person asks something that you feel is too intimate, say so. If the other person discloses something that seems too intimate for the stage you feel you are in, say so. With directness and honesty. Do not be coy.
9) Do not encourage communication in any way
Encouragement of any kind, even the sideways kind of "do x if you really want to," will be misinterpreted to mean, "Please communicate with me more" when what you probably mean is "sure, write me more drivel that I have no interest in receiving, much less reading." Better to just be honest and say: "Thank you for your effort (note, communication, heart on a platter). I would prefer you to not write me anything more that you feel is an attempt to deepen a connection between us. The connection between us is as deep as it is every going to be." And if you want to be even firmer - "Deeper than I really wanted or anticipated when we first connected."
10) If you think it is a mixed signal, it probably is
This one is self explanatory. At least I hope it is by the time you get to this one.
All the above rules go out the window when a relationship has been established and defined. At that point, you all can discuss the rules of engagement and go one with our lives. I continue to suggest open and honest and frequent conversation will lead to a healthy relationship. Not necessarily a long relationship, but a relationship that most likely will not devastate anyone involved in it.
