How to NOT send mixed signals

This is a quick "how to NOT send mixed signals" post.

Men and women are both guilty of sending "mixed signals." What I mean by this is that we communicate in a way that might lead the person we are communicating with to believe that there is a level of interest on the communicators part that isn't actually there. Sometimes intentionally. Usually, at least I hope it is usually, through ignorance. Sending mixed signals intentionally is really, really, really a crappy thing to do. I understand, both genders (all genders) want to be liked and want to keep their options open, have a fall back, nurture someone for a potential bootie call or one night stand or whatever. Better, though, to be upfront with someone. Oddly, honesty really is the best, most healthy policy. Unless you are dealing with someone with Alzheimer's, but that is something else entirely. Anyway, the following is not an exhaustive list of ways to avoid sending mixed signals, but it will do for a start.

1) Don't, just don't.
Don't send mixed signals. If you are unsure what this means, either a) don't send any messages at all to someone who might harbor romantic feelings for you or b) read this post before sending your next message.

2) Stopping before you start
If you get the feeling that someone is interested in your romantically, be straight forward with them if you do not feel the same way and do not anticipate feeling the same way in the foreseeable future. Since the future is not clear, and AIP (Anything is Possible) all you can do is a quick gut check on how you feel at the moment and let the person know that.
This is a good way to do communicate the state of your lack of emotional, romantic interest in someone: "Hey, you seem like a nice (good, friendly, etc.) person. Unfortunately, I do not feel that we would be good romantic partners. Best of luck in your search, blah, blah, blah." This response is, of course, for use on the internet. If this is someone you know not through the internet, but someone who you met in real life and might have occasion to see again (like a coworker, or someone at a place you frequent (coffee shop, dentist's office, bus stop) there is a different response that would be work: "Hey, I am glad that we have gotten to know each other as well as we have. Unfortunately, I am not interested in exploring a potential romantic relationship with you at this time. I hope that you find someone who is interested in such a thing. See you on Monday (or whenever you might see them again)." Please note the use of "hey" instead of "Dear" in a written format and instead of using their name (because, I don't know their name and typing something about that up there was beyond my level of competency at the time of writing that bit...) in a real life situation. Because people apparently still do meet in real life sometimes. Weird, but true. Ok, moving on.

3) Start how you mean to continue
Best to begin the way you will continue. If you believe that you would like to take things slowly, friends first and all that sort of hooey (because, you know that when the lightning strikes you, you will not follow any of these suggestions), then state that in your first communications. "Hey, you seem like an interesting person (meaning of course, that you find them interesting, but since you are wanting to take things slowly, you don't want to be too enthusiastic at this early stage) and I would like to know you better. I am, though, in a "friends first and take it slow" phase of my life. So, please don't take my slow responses (which you will do because you don't want to give the impression that you are "keen") and seeming lack of enthusiasm as a sign that I am totally disinterested. It is just me making sure that we do move slowly and that I don't send you signals that might be misinterpreted."

4) Speed of responses
Do not respond to texts and emails and calls etc. at a pace that could be construed as being excited to communicate with the person. In other words, if someone sends you an email on a dating site, and you think, ok, this person isn't heinous. Maybe there is some possibility of going on a date or two and seeing what they are like in real life, then respond in a timely fashion. Within 24 hours. Anything less than a one minute delay in responding will appear to the infatuated as eagerness. If a texting give and take occurs, limit it to about 20 exchanges (depending on the length of the texts) at the most. Give a good reason, preferably an honest one, but at this point, even a made up one is ok, as long as it isn't flirtatious or open to misinterpretation. Do not say anything about anything personal - no washing your hair, changing your clothes to go out, etc. Just say, thank you for texting. Do not add anything like talk to you later, ttfn, looking forward to chatting more, etc. Unless you mean it! Just end it and wait until later to have see if another hot and heavy texting exchange occurs.

5) Pet names - definitely a mixed signal if you have no intention of heavy petting with them
If you have somehow gone past the point above, again, do not send messages or communications that the other person might possibly construe as a mixed message. And to be clear, since the person is looking at you through a haze of lust (or love or whatever) they will interpret the slightest thought, word or deed as a mixed message, a sliver of a glimmer of hope that you might actually succumb to their charms and fall into a rollicking romantic relationship with them. So, no pet names. Do not call someone, for random instance, "Silly Man." Yes, they may be being silly. So what? Do not encourage their silliness. Other things to avoid - honey, sweetie, sweetheart, lambkin, poo bear, Stud, stud muffin, etc. The list is endless. All the names on that list are a big no-no when trying not to send mixed signals. And no, forgetting their name is no excuse to use a pet name instead. If you can't remember their name, it is definitely a sign that you should probably stop communicating with them. Right now.

6) Flirting, if you do not see a romantic relationship in the future, is a big fat no!
Do not do or write or say anything that might be construed as flirting!!!! I cannot stress this enough. If you do not know what flirting in writing is here are some examples: "Hey gorgeous, you look hot." "Could you be any cuter?" "You are so awesome, I could hug you to pieces." Etc.

7) Sealed with a kiss - no!
Do not close notes with anything that could be construed as possible physical contact. No "hugs" or "kisses" for sure. And that goes not just for the words, but also for any symbols, emojis or the good old x's and o's. You certainly don't want to hug or kiss the person if you are not interested in a romantic relationship with them. Though a good hug, even with someone who is not interested in you, is a tempting thing...

8) Do not overshare. 
Do not over share. Seriously. Even if the other person says that it is impossible for you to over share, do not do it. Do not share anything that you might regret sharing later. (Lack of regrets is a topic for another post...) If the other person asks something that you feel is too intimate, say so. If the other person discloses something that seems too intimate for the stage you feel you are in, say so. With directness and honesty. Do not be coy.

9) Do not encourage communication in any way
Encouragement of any kind, even the sideways kind of "do x if you really want to," will be misinterpreted to mean, "Please communicate with me more" when what you probably mean is "sure, write me more drivel that I have no interest in receiving, much less reading." Better to just be honest and say: "Thank you for your effort (note, communication, heart on a platter). I would prefer you to not write me anything more that you feel is an attempt to deepen a connection between us. The connection between us is as deep as it is every going to be." And if you want to be even firmer - "Deeper than I really wanted or anticipated when we first connected."

10) If you think it is a mixed signal, it probably is
This one is self explanatory. At least I hope it is by the time you get to this one.

All the above rules go out the window when a relationship has been established and defined. At that point, you all can discuss the rules of engagement and go one with our lives. I continue to suggest open and honest and frequent conversation will lead to a healthy relationship. Not necessarily a long relationship, but a relationship that most likely will not devastate anyone involved in it.

Can't believe I fell for it - again

I hate the freakin' bait and switch on dating websites. I put a profile on one site and apparently it has about twelve sister sites so I magically got put on all of those. On one of them, a perfectly reasonable looking woman (most of the women who "send me messages" are too amazing looking to be real) wrote me a note and then seemed to write me a second note - nothing too outlandish in them - like "Love your photo" since the photo I put up (specifically for this reason) is one in which I can barely be seen (and it is not an example of good photo art). But the only way I could respond was to pay for a membership. Which I did. And of course, no more messages. Sigh.

Quick update

Just a quick update. I did get a thank you from the woman for whom I made the scarf. It was when I wandered past her at her work place - she said "Thank you! I love it! I showed it to my grandmother and she said..." Ok, that's where I tuned out just a bit. My guess is she equates me with her grandmother. True, I am probably old enough to be her grandmother, but still...

Current State of Affairs

Ha! I wouldn't mind an affair.

Currently there are a couple of women "in my life." Which means that I think about them more than I think about women who aren't in my life. If that makes sense, great.

The first is a big crush. Crushes, for me, come in different sizes or intensities. This one was pretty huge, but I am working hard on eliminating it from my psyche. Crushes, generally, are not especially healthy. They are one-sided and somewhat obsessive. And it has become clear, even to me, that this particular woman (awesome as she is) is just not interested in getting to know me better. So I need to let this crush go and move on with my life. Getting better all the time.

The second woman is a weird story that hasn't gotten to a point where I can conclude anything. I was wearing my self-made scarf at a store and a worker there gushed over it, as is sometimes the case. The next time I saw her she gushed some more and asked me to make her a scarf. I laughed the idea off. Heck, I hadn't touched a crochet hook for 30+ years. The next time I saw her she asked me to make her a scarf again - I asked her if her fiancé wouldn't be jealous - she said that the ring on her wedding finger was just a ring she liked and there was no fiancé. I saw her again and asked her what she wanted in the way of a scarf and she didn't give me any guidance. Over the holidays I eventually managed to get to the Yarn Store, bought some yarn and a crochet hook and looked up scarf making on the internet. Over the course of a few days I made an attempt at a scarf - even put tassels on it. Not awesome, but better than nothing. Next task, figuring out how to give it to her - since I only know her from her work place. Eventually I came up with a solution - put it in a bag in the car. Check to see if she was working and then pop back out to the car and somehow give it to her. I also put my phone number on the bag in case she wanted to contact me outside of her work place. It all worked out on Friday. And I haven't heard from her. I don't really expect to - as I try to live without expectations. Hahahahaha. At least I try. Hopes, sure, expectations, well, hopefully not.

Meanwhile I got sucked into another dating site - bait and switch and I fell for it. Sigh. And I keep plugging along on Match.com. My next relationship post will be about Match.com - I really want to change my profile soon...

Went for it

So, I really went for it - I did everything except change my relationship status on Facebook to "in a relationship." If I had, I probably would have put "it's complicated" because, honestly, it was complicated. Note the past tense here. If you hadn't gathered, the long distance relationship has ended.

Two weeks is about the length of most of my LDRs it seems. Or six weeks perhaps. Or three years. Hard to say. How to count the time? From when you first started communication? Or from when things changed from "this is nice" to "hey, we both really like each, don't we." The end time is usually much easier to determine.

All in all, I had a pleasant time. I miss not having someone to write to at all hours of the night and day with thoughts - and knowing that I would get a response in a fairly timely manner to some of what I had written. And there were other pleasant parts. Some, not so pleasant, but I don't plan on a) airing my soiled clothing (or whatever the phrase is...) here or anywhere and b) I don't like to dwell on the negative and c) I don't like to live in the past, generally. Though I do quite a bit of that when writing, don't I? Hmm...

So, it is back to the drawing board. I have started cruising OKC and Match and POF again. I don't think I will go back to the uber boring noting of all the messages I send and responses I don't get. That was just too tedious for words. So, thank the LDR for making me stop that at least. I might, actually, start to write about my thoughts on Relationships.

One of the sad things about the end of the recent LDR was that she had been excited to help me with my books - not going to happen now. I still need someone to help me clean-up the Relationship book - and someone who is really clever, detail oriented and designedly amazing to help me with my self-help book. Yes, writing a book takes a village! :)

Going for it!

All things are possible!

Three years ago, on a website, I met a woman. We had a flirtation - fairly hot and heavy, until she mentioned an on again-off again boyfriend. That put a damper on our budding feelings. We kept in touch, even meeting briefly once and have kept in touch sporadically ever since. Recently, we started communicating a bit more. Ok, a lot more. Turns out that the embers that were damped down have burst into flame once again. So, we are going to make a go of it and see what the future holds.

That means that I will not be writing letters to people on the dating sites for the foreseeable future. I will not be actively seeking someone else to date. My energies are focused on this potential relationship and my attentions focused on this one person.

She has agreed that I can write about the relationship here on this blog (and elsewhere?). Yay! What I will write, I don't know. I do know that relationships of any kind are by their nature a bit of a roller coaster ride. And I know that it takes a lot to move any relationship from a "relationship" to a "Relationship." Wish us luck!

April 15

Going to write some notes today. I have had these tabs open for a week or so and just need to get to it. Sure, I don't actually expect responses anymore. But at least I feel like I am doing something.

I have been thinking about relationships and Relationships. People are. People are individuals. And, much as we would like to believe that they are, in most ways like us (which, in fact, percentage wise they are), they are in fact just enough dissimilar to be almost totally alien. Just sayin'.

First note - 46 year old on Match within distance but she only wants to go to 50 years old. Sigh. Says she is "very liberal." Anything is possible, I guess. (She wrote back and said she didn't think we weren't a good match - and therefore she is right! Good luck to her.)(The mind is an interesting thing. I didn't think we were an awesome match - but I was open to the possibility. Anything is possible, after all. Normally I don't get a response, so getting a response at all ought to have filled me with joy, right? Sure, until I read the message. Then a little crash. What is that about? I didn't know her, I didn't really care about her, I wasn't all that interested in her - yet still, when even this little, teeny, mostly impersonal rejection came along, I was mildly devastated. What the fuck is that about? Crap. One day I will be impervious. Nah. Won't happen. Too much of a softie...)

Second Note - 42 year old on OK Cupid who lives too far away - she does respond frequently, so who knows...(nothing yet)