So, I really went for it - I did everything except change my relationship status on Facebook to "in a relationship." If I had, I probably would have put "it's complicated" because, honestly, it was complicated. Note the past tense here. If you hadn't gathered, the long distance relationship has ended.
Two weeks is about the length of most of my LDRs it seems. Or six weeks perhaps. Or three years. Hard to say. How to count the time? From when you first started communication? Or from when things changed from "this is nice" to "hey, we both really like each, don't we." The end time is usually much easier to determine.
All in all, I had a pleasant time. I miss not having someone to write to at all hours of the night and day with thoughts - and knowing that I would get a response in a fairly timely manner to some of what I had written. And there were other pleasant parts. Some, not so pleasant, but I don't plan on a) airing my soiled clothing (or whatever the phrase is...) here or anywhere and b) I don't like to dwell on the negative and c) I don't like to live in the past, generally. Though I do quite a bit of that when writing, don't I? Hmm...
So, it is back to the drawing board. I have started cruising OKC and Match and POF again. I don't think I will go back to the uber boring noting of all the messages I send and responses I don't get. That was just too tedious for words. So, thank the LDR for making me stop that at least. I might, actually, start to write about my thoughts on Relationships.
One of the sad things about the end of the recent LDR was that she had been excited to help me with my books - not going to happen now. I still need someone to help me clean-up the Relationship book - and someone who is really clever, detail oriented and designedly amazing to help me with my self-help book. Yes, writing a book takes a village! :)
Showing posts with label relationship book. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationship book. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Variations of Gender attraction vis a vis dating and relationships
This sounds like a sociological study - doesn't it! Sometimes I wish I had studied more social science. Anthropology, Sociology - that sort of thing. But I didn't. Except through osmosis and 50+ years of living...
What follows are some thoughts that started in a thread with a correspondent. I know that I have written some of these same thoughts in my relationship book. Sigh - it sits on the computer and on the shelf - unedited and abandoned. Maybe I will get it done one day. Still looking for a female editor/co-writer...
Gender comes in a wide range of flavors - where straight men are concerned I would say the gamut runs from Masculine men through men who are balanced with their male and female natures to effeminate men. As straight men, we all prefer women to be our sexual partners - but the women who appeal to us differ. Masculine men I would think would be more interested in Feminine women. Men in the middle might gravitate to women in the middle and men who are more effeminate might like stronger, more masculine women. Of course, this is broad stroke generalizing - this isn't true in all cases, but I think it could sort of be true overall. As an independent woman, one is more apt to attract either a man who is not as independent or someone who is in the middle more than someone who sees himself as the rugged manly man who might feel himself a knight in shining armor.
What the percentages are, I don't know. Is it a bell curve? With most men falling on either side and few in the middle - a very pointy curve perhaps. Life is fairly replete with bell curve distribution - with lots of different shapes to said curve style.
By the way, I am 52-3, 6'1" head full of darkish hair and a pretty good body - yoga works wonders for me. So, yes, I do expect a certain level of attractiveness in a potential partner. Am I out of line? Expecting too much? I am not expecting a 25 year old who works part time as a model and spends the rest of her time as a stock broker or research scientist. I am hoping for a women who is mature, capable, together and is reasonably attractive. Age could be anywhere from 21 (tee hee) - ok - 35 (I know that's still pretty young) to 65 (though I think this as unlikely as the 35 year old).
When I meet someone, I do hope for sparks. And if not sparks, at least mutual interest. If there is that, we can go forward and meet again. One woman I met twice and I just couldn't see going any further. If there is effort involved, the deal is usually no deal. She was pleasant and I would have been happy being friends with her - but when it comes to friends, that requires effort as well. Friendly is easy - acquaintance - not so hard - friends - harder - good friends - harder still - best friend or significant relationship - more time and more harderer. And friendship is even more challenging when it is mostly a one sided affair. At all levels.
What follows are some thoughts that started in a thread with a correspondent. I know that I have written some of these same thoughts in my relationship book. Sigh - it sits on the computer and on the shelf - unedited and abandoned. Maybe I will get it done one day. Still looking for a female editor/co-writer...
Gender comes in a wide range of flavors - where straight men are concerned I would say the gamut runs from Masculine men through men who are balanced with their male and female natures to effeminate men. As straight men, we all prefer women to be our sexual partners - but the women who appeal to us differ. Masculine men I would think would be more interested in Feminine women. Men in the middle might gravitate to women in the middle and men who are more effeminate might like stronger, more masculine women. Of course, this is broad stroke generalizing - this isn't true in all cases, but I think it could sort of be true overall. As an independent woman, one is more apt to attract either a man who is not as independent or someone who is in the middle more than someone who sees himself as the rugged manly man who might feel himself a knight in shining armor.
What the percentages are, I don't know. Is it a bell curve? With most men falling on either side and few in the middle - a very pointy curve perhaps. Life is fairly replete with bell curve distribution - with lots of different shapes to said curve style.
By the way, I am 52-3, 6'1" head full of darkish hair and a pretty good body - yoga works wonders for me. So, yes, I do expect a certain level of attractiveness in a potential partner. Am I out of line? Expecting too much? I am not expecting a 25 year old who works part time as a model and spends the rest of her time as a stock broker or research scientist. I am hoping for a women who is mature, capable, together and is reasonably attractive. Age could be anywhere from 21 (tee hee) - ok - 35 (I know that's still pretty young) to 65 (though I think this as unlikely as the 35 year old).
When I meet someone, I do hope for sparks. And if not sparks, at least mutual interest. If there is that, we can go forward and meet again. One woman I met twice and I just couldn't see going any further. If there is effort involved, the deal is usually no deal. She was pleasant and I would have been happy being friends with her - but when it comes to friends, that requires effort as well. Friendly is easy - acquaintance - not so hard - friends - harder - good friends - harder still - best friend or significant relationship - more time and more harderer. And friendship is even more challenging when it is mostly a one sided affair. At all levels.
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Feb 21
Maybe I would have more luck if I were in a larger urban area - like Toronto or NY City. When I am on OKC, I get a lot of suggested matches who live in those two places. And I find a lot of them appealing. Unfortunately, I get maybe 3 a month who are within 15 minutes of my house and of them, I only find 1 of 10 appealing. Sigh.
Anyway, my first note was to an OKC woman - 42 - 87% Match, 49% Friend, 13% enemy - who only wants someone up to 46 and who lives near her which I do not. I wrote a great note, if I must say so myself. Really great. She put in some actual crap notes she had received - the two or three word kind - so I started my note with a conglomeration of those. It was funny (at least I hope she thinks so). I have found, though, that most people from the city in which she lives don't respond. What the heck does "near me" mean? I thought it meant - near enough that we can get something started and see where it goes. Though, as I have mentioned before, in reality it means - if it takes more than 15 minutes to reach me, it isn't worth the effort. These people would not have survived life on the Chisholm Trail!
I love flirting. Or as Joni Mitchell says - We love our lovin'. Today there was a new person at work, not someone I am likely to run into again - no, I didn't ask for her number or anything. I might as her friend about her, but...anyway, it was just fun to flirt with someone. Yay!
Second note - 49 year old match woman who lives not far - but hasn't been online in a while. She reminds me of my childhood sweetheart. I dropped her a teeny line, not expecting much.
Third note - 48 year old match woman who lives near-ish - she made me a favorite, so I dropped her a line. Why the heck not? (She wrote me a note back - then commented on one of my pictures - I wrote back, but her profile had been hidden so I don't really know if she found someone or is just overwhelmed or what - haven't heard back again - one and out?)
Fourth Note - 45 year old POF woman in a town not too far away. There is something in her brief profile that makes me think it highly unlikely she will respond. I have been wrong once or twice...
Fifth Note - POF woman who is 40 and lives within 75 miles. That's a nice round distance that POF lets people choose for a dating distance qualifier. She appeared as a recommended person after I wrote my fourth note. Actually a few women were recommended and I am going to write a couple of them. This one, though, did start my p-crush indicator wobbling a little. As always hopeful of a conversation leading to a date leading to a relationship. What has experience taught me, though? And what is one definition of crazy? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Sigh. Am I crazy? At least, though the walls seem similar, I am beating my head against a bunch of different walls. So it is the same thing over and over again? Or am I stepping into a different (yet similar) river every time? Hmm. Anyway, my breath is held...Oh, just a note - since I started up on POF, I have not received one reply.
Sixth Note - POF Woman who is 44 and lives near the previous woman. Maybe they are neighbors. Or friends? Maybe they will fight over who has the right to date me! Hahahahahahaha. Ha.
Ok, there are five more tabbed women. Most of them are G&G - I know that they are too far away or whatever and won't write back. One of them, though, does rank on the p-crush scale. Actually two of them do. I might write them when I get back from the movie tonight. Nope, not going to write them tonight. Tomorrow is another day.
Well, that is a bit sad. A woman I have met once and been corresponding with for a while has said, after even more emails, that she doesn't think she will have time for us to get together again until she finished school - 20 months from now. Her time management skills probably need some honing. I guess I just wasn't a priority for her. Nor was finding someone new to hang out with. Why she was ever on a dating site in the first place is a question to which I will likely never have an answer. Whatever. Her loss.
Her is another observation. Women met in real life just seem to me to automatically be more attractive than women I meet through the internet. I wonder why that is. Yesterday and today, for instance, I met new to me people who were not necessarily more attractive in any way than people I am interested in on the internet, but for some reason they just felt more attractive. Maybe because they are more tangible?
Anyway, my first note was to an OKC woman - 42 - 87% Match, 49% Friend, 13% enemy - who only wants someone up to 46 and who lives near her which I do not. I wrote a great note, if I must say so myself. Really great. She put in some actual crap notes she had received - the two or three word kind - so I started my note with a conglomeration of those. It was funny (at least I hope she thinks so). I have found, though, that most people from the city in which she lives don't respond. What the heck does "near me" mean? I thought it meant - near enough that we can get something started and see where it goes. Though, as I have mentioned before, in reality it means - if it takes more than 15 minutes to reach me, it isn't worth the effort. These people would not have survived life on the Chisholm Trail!
I love flirting. Or as Joni Mitchell says - We love our lovin'. Today there was a new person at work, not someone I am likely to run into again - no, I didn't ask for her number or anything. I might as her friend about her, but...anyway, it was just fun to flirt with someone. Yay!
Second note - 49 year old match woman who lives not far - but hasn't been online in a while. She reminds me of my childhood sweetheart. I dropped her a teeny line, not expecting much.
Third note - 48 year old match woman who lives near-ish - she made me a favorite, so I dropped her a line. Why the heck not? (She wrote me a note back - then commented on one of my pictures - I wrote back, but her profile had been hidden so I don't really know if she found someone or is just overwhelmed or what - haven't heard back again - one and out?)
Fourth Note - 45 year old POF woman in a town not too far away. There is something in her brief profile that makes me think it highly unlikely she will respond. I have been wrong once or twice...
Fifth Note - POF woman who is 40 and lives within 75 miles. That's a nice round distance that POF lets people choose for a dating distance qualifier. She appeared as a recommended person after I wrote my fourth note. Actually a few women were recommended and I am going to write a couple of them. This one, though, did start my p-crush indicator wobbling a little. As always hopeful of a conversation leading to a date leading to a relationship. What has experience taught me, though? And what is one definition of crazy? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Sigh. Am I crazy? At least, though the walls seem similar, I am beating my head against a bunch of different walls. So it is the same thing over and over again? Or am I stepping into a different (yet similar) river every time? Hmm. Anyway, my breath is held...Oh, just a note - since I started up on POF, I have not received one reply.
Sixth Note - POF Woman who is 44 and lives near the previous woman. Maybe they are neighbors. Or friends? Maybe they will fight over who has the right to date me! Hahahahahahaha. Ha.
Ok, there are five more tabbed women. Most of them are G&G - I know that they are too far away or whatever and won't write back. One of them, though, does rank on the p-crush scale. Actually two of them do. I might write them when I get back from the movie tonight. Nope, not going to write them tonight. Tomorrow is another day.
Well, that is a bit sad. A woman I have met once and been corresponding with for a while has said, after even more emails, that she doesn't think she will have time for us to get together again until she finished school - 20 months from now. Her time management skills probably need some honing. I guess I just wasn't a priority for her. Nor was finding someone new to hang out with. Why she was ever on a dating site in the first place is a question to which I will likely never have an answer. Whatever. Her loss.
Her is another observation. Women met in real life just seem to me to automatically be more attractive than women I meet through the internet. I wonder why that is. Yesterday and today, for instance, I met new to me people who were not necessarily more attractive in any way than people I am interested in on the internet, but for some reason they just felt more attractive. Maybe because they are more tangible?
Friday, February 14, 2014
Feb 13
One of the Match women wrote back last night. She wrote a lovely long message but didn't indicate, to me at least, if she wanted to continue communication or not. She asked no real questions (though one sentence ended in a question mark) and didn't say anything overt about looking forward to getting to know me. Ah well, everyone communicates differently. All I can do is continue onward. So I sent her a note in return. We shall see what happens.
It is early-ish in the morning - time to write a few notes before getting the rest of my day started. I am starting on my "likes" on match.
First note - 39 year old match woman who wants a guy up to 45 (oops) but the distance seems ok. Actually, upon reviewing her profile more, I don't think I will actually write to her.
First note - 45 year old match woman who lives within a mutually acceptable travel distance. I am a smidge older than her desired age range allows, but not horrendously...Not much in her profile but enough to make it clear that she isn't illiterate. Yay for literacy! She says her politics are "middle of the road." Is that code for basically conservative? If so, I doubt I will hear from her. Not my best effort, but not too shoddy either.
I find that I cannot "unlike" someone or their picture. What is that about? Nor can I delete them from my likes on Match.
Second note - 40 year old match woman (only interested up to 48 but she is willing to look further afield than many (100 miles) and she is worth a note. Heck, really, anyone is worth a note but I think you know what I mean...ok, that one was pretty good. I had a mini-inspiration and wrote - I have taken the first step - will you take the second? Ok, seriously, I doubt I will hear from her but I had fun with the note!
Third Note - 44 year old OKC woman who is definitely not "near me" but in whose age range I fit. Her bottom age range is 27, though...following the age in half plus seven rule of thumb, 29 would be ok - better than the woman who put 18 as her bottom age! Eeek! Not that I would go running if a real 18 year old wrote me - but I wouldn't hold out any hopes for a real, meaningful relationship with someone so young. And that is what I am looking for, aren't I? Anyway...not an awesome note but pretty darn good, if I must say so myself. A couple of question marks about her, but aren't there always about anyone anyways? (Wow, that is a lot of a's!)
I just had a little realization (which I might have had before - who knows?) that a crush is really half of "chemistry." Chemistry occurs when both people have a crush on each other at the same time...
Fourth Note - G&G - 43 year old woman looking for someone who is at most 44 and within 50 miles - which I am not - hence the G&G. She just appealed, despite some red flags (like the two above) and that she is currently separated - this can mean so many things. But she says she is "very liberal" so a little bit of hope leaps in my heart...I was going to ask her about some of the things in her profile, but decided it could have easily been taken as an attack instead of the lighthearted curiosity that I was feeling. My guess, I won't hear back.
It is early-ish in the morning - time to write a few notes before getting the rest of my day started. I am starting on my "likes" on match.
First note - 45 year old match woman who lives within a mutually acceptable travel distance. I am a smidge older than her desired age range allows, but not horrendously...Not much in her profile but enough to make it clear that she isn't illiterate. Yay for literacy! She says her politics are "middle of the road." Is that code for basically conservative? If so, I doubt I will hear from her. Not my best effort, but not too shoddy either.
I find that I cannot "unlike" someone or their picture. What is that about? Nor can I delete them from my likes on Match.
Second note - 40 year old match woman (only interested up to 48 but she is willing to look further afield than many (100 miles) and she is worth a note. Heck, really, anyone is worth a note but I think you know what I mean...ok, that one was pretty good. I had a mini-inspiration and wrote - I have taken the first step - will you take the second? Ok, seriously, I doubt I will hear from her but I had fun with the note!
Third Note - 44 year old OKC woman who is definitely not "near me" but in whose age range I fit. Her bottom age range is 27, though...following the age in half plus seven rule of thumb, 29 would be ok - better than the woman who put 18 as her bottom age! Eeek! Not that I would go running if a real 18 year old wrote me - but I wouldn't hold out any hopes for a real, meaningful relationship with someone so young. And that is what I am looking for, aren't I? Anyway...not an awesome note but pretty darn good, if I must say so myself. A couple of question marks about her, but aren't there always about anyone anyways? (Wow, that is a lot of a's!)
I just had a little realization (which I might have had before - who knows?) that a crush is really half of "chemistry." Chemistry occurs when both people have a crush on each other at the same time...
Fourth Note - G&G - 43 year old woman looking for someone who is at most 44 and within 50 miles - which I am not - hence the G&G. She just appealed, despite some red flags (like the two above) and that she is currently separated - this can mean so many things. But she says she is "very liberal" so a little bit of hope leaps in my heart...I was going to ask her about some of the things in her profile, but decided it could have easily been taken as an attack instead of the lighthearted curiosity that I was feeling. My guess, I won't hear back.
Saturday, February 1, 2014
Relationship Blog - A Month (more or less) in dating
Hi. My name is Augustus and I might very well be a blogaholic - and perhaps a date-aholic. Or maybe a relationship-aholic. Or maybe an aholiic-aholic. I love adding -aholic to things. Don't know why. Just do. Where was I? Oh, yeah...
I have decided to document my attempts at finding a romantic relationship over the course of the next month as best as I can. Of course, I might just find one, and then, well, who knows. I might document that. We shall see. I do know that I put a lot of time and effort into the search for a significant other. So I might as well put a little bit more in and document what I am doing. Joy and rapture!
I have been mostly single off and on since my divorce in 1991. I don't know if I was really in a romantic relationship then, either, but it passed for one. Between then and now, I have dated a bunch and have had some monogamous romantic relationships, none of which lasted much more than a year. For what those relationships were, they were great. I am happy to have met all the people I have met, been with all the people I have been with and grateful for the opportunity to experience the experiences I have experienced. I would, though, really like to sink into a nice, long meaningful romantic relationship/partnership.
Given my history, though, is this a realistic hope? Maybe I am not wired for having long term romantic relationships. Then again, maybe I have just made choices that have led me to have shorter relationships and different choices will lead to different results. I was with my wife for most of four years and that has been my longest relationship. Ever. My work life mirrors this issue - I have never really been in a given job for more than 5 years. Hmm, maybe not more than three years...
Still, hope springs eternal
During the course of the next month (at least), I plan to write about my thoughts and feelings and actions in regards to relationships. I will do my best to be as straightforward and honest as possible, without causing undue consternation by anyone who might be referenced here. Part of me would love to post links to the various people to whom I will be referring, but that might be going a little overboard. Then again, if anyone is really curious, I might be willing to provide links to their profiles upon request. In direct email. I mean heck, their privacy is already somewhat compromised from them placing their profiles on the internet, right?
By the way, as some of you may know, I have a draft (not finished by a long stretch) of a relationship book lying around in my room somewhere. I think it is a good, insightful, honest book and should be out in the world. So, if anyone knows someone who would like to collaborate on it (in other words, work on it with me for free and share profits if there are ever any), please send them my way. Or if you know a nice woman...Or both.
I have decided to document my attempts at finding a romantic relationship over the course of the next month as best as I can. Of course, I might just find one, and then, well, who knows. I might document that. We shall see. I do know that I put a lot of time and effort into the search for a significant other. So I might as well put a little bit more in and document what I am doing. Joy and rapture!
I have been mostly single off and on since my divorce in 1991. I don't know if I was really in a romantic relationship then, either, but it passed for one. Between then and now, I have dated a bunch and have had some monogamous romantic relationships, none of which lasted much more than a year. For what those relationships were, they were great. I am happy to have met all the people I have met, been with all the people I have been with and grateful for the opportunity to experience the experiences I have experienced. I would, though, really like to sink into a nice, long meaningful romantic relationship/partnership.
Given my history, though, is this a realistic hope? Maybe I am not wired for having long term romantic relationships. Then again, maybe I have just made choices that have led me to have shorter relationships and different choices will lead to different results. I was with my wife for most of four years and that has been my longest relationship. Ever. My work life mirrors this issue - I have never really been in a given job for more than 5 years. Hmm, maybe not more than three years...
Still, hope springs eternal
During the course of the next month (at least), I plan to write about my thoughts and feelings and actions in regards to relationships. I will do my best to be as straightforward and honest as possible, without causing undue consternation by anyone who might be referenced here. Part of me would love to post links to the various people to whom I will be referring, but that might be going a little overboard. Then again, if anyone is really curious, I might be willing to provide links to their profiles upon request. In direct email. I mean heck, their privacy is already somewhat compromised from them placing their profiles on the internet, right?
By the way, as some of you may know, I have a draft (not finished by a long stretch) of a relationship book lying around in my room somewhere. I think it is a good, insightful, honest book and should be out in the world. So, if anyone knows someone who would like to collaborate on it (in other words, work on it with me for free and share profits if there are ever any), please send them my way. Or if you know a nice woman...Or both.
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