Feb 28

Holy crap, has it been a month already? All this work and what are the results? Well, I will write about that tomorrow or the next day. I will also decide if I am going to keep this up or not...

Here's a confession for you - I, too, have a fear of rejection. No matter how many books I have read and seminars I have attended and life experiences I have, er, experienced, I am not a fan of rejection. I do try to let rejection slide off my back (Her loss, next, whatever - etc.) but that doesn't mean that the implied rejection (sometimes not so much implied as explicit) doesn't hurt. And not yet being a masochist, or even one who is covered in an admantine shell of self-love (Hey, I do love myself, a lot, but...) I still feel hurt. And weirdly, oddly, I don't enjoy the feeling. I have not learned to embrace the pain and let it go. Not completely. Or not enough to make running toward rejection easy. Though, every once in a while, I do manage - like my two 10+ days of note writing. Followed by a couple of days of melancholy, admittedly - still. I did put myself out there. I try to live a life that acknowledges fear and moves through it to love. Fear is, after all, the mindkiller. Doesn't always work.

This all came from my lack of interest in asking for help. I am sure that comes around to two fears - fear of rejection and lack of trust (which is fear that the other person won't live up to their stated choices). And dating, especially asking someone out on a date - especially out in the real world - is asking for help. Isn't it?

First note - to a woman I have seen and written to on POF, OK Cupid and now Match.com. I am sure to get no response. She responded once on POF about a year and a half ago...and she wasn't interested in then - so I doubt she will be interested now...