Went for it

So, I really went for it - I did everything except change my relationship status on Facebook to "in a relationship." If I had, I probably would have put "it's complicated" because, honestly, it was complicated. Note the past tense here. If you hadn't gathered, the long distance relationship has ended.

Two weeks is about the length of most of my LDRs it seems. Or six weeks perhaps. Or three years. Hard to say. How to count the time? From when you first started communication? Or from when things changed from "this is nice" to "hey, we both really like each, don't we." The end time is usually much easier to determine.

All in all, I had a pleasant time. I miss not having someone to write to at all hours of the night and day with thoughts - and knowing that I would get a response in a fairly timely manner to some of what I had written. And there were other pleasant parts. Some, not so pleasant, but I don't plan on a) airing my soiled clothing (or whatever the phrase is...) here or anywhere and b) I don't like to dwell on the negative and c) I don't like to live in the past, generally. Though I do quite a bit of that when writing, don't I? Hmm...

So, it is back to the drawing board. I have started cruising OKC and Match and POF again. I don't think I will go back to the uber boring noting of all the messages I send and responses I don't get. That was just too tedious for words. So, thank the LDR for making me stop that at least. I might, actually, start to write about my thoughts on Relationships.

One of the sad things about the end of the recent LDR was that she had been excited to help me with my books - not going to happen now. I still need someone to help me clean-up the Relationship book - and someone who is really clever, detail oriented and designedly amazing to help me with my self-help book. Yes, writing a book takes a village! :)

Going for it!

All things are possible!

Three years ago, on a website, I met a woman. We had a flirtation - fairly hot and heavy, until she mentioned an on again-off again boyfriend. That put a damper on our budding feelings. We kept in touch, even meeting briefly once and have kept in touch sporadically ever since. Recently, we started communicating a bit more. Ok, a lot more. Turns out that the embers that were damped down have burst into flame once again. So, we are going to make a go of it and see what the future holds.

That means that I will not be writing letters to people on the dating sites for the foreseeable future. I will not be actively seeking someone else to date. My energies are focused on this potential relationship and my attentions focused on this one person.

She has agreed that I can write about the relationship here on this blog (and elsewhere?). Yay! What I will write, I don't know. I do know that relationships of any kind are by their nature a bit of a roller coaster ride. And I know that it takes a lot to move any relationship from a "relationship" to a "Relationship." Wish us luck!

April 15

Going to write some notes today. I have had these tabs open for a week or so and just need to get to it. Sure, I don't actually expect responses anymore. But at least I feel like I am doing something.

I have been thinking about relationships and Relationships. People are. People are individuals. And, much as we would like to believe that they are, in most ways like us (which, in fact, percentage wise they are), they are in fact just enough dissimilar to be almost totally alien. Just sayin'.

First note - 46 year old on Match within distance but she only wants to go to 50 years old. Sigh. Says she is "very liberal." Anything is possible, I guess. (She wrote back and said she didn't think we weren't a good match - and therefore she is right! Good luck to her.)(The mind is an interesting thing. I didn't think we were an awesome match - but I was open to the possibility. Anything is possible, after all. Normally I don't get a response, so getting a response at all ought to have filled me with joy, right? Sure, until I read the message. Then a little crash. What is that about? I didn't know her, I didn't really care about her, I wasn't all that interested in her - yet still, when even this little, teeny, mostly impersonal rejection came along, I was mildly devastated. What the fuck is that about? Crap. One day I will be impervious. Nah. Won't happen. Too much of a softie...)

Second Note - 42 year old on OK Cupid who lives too far away - she does respond frequently, so who knows...(nothing yet)

April 14

And still no note writing. Partly because I have been otherwise engaged. Partly because I have been just not writing much of anything. Sigh.

April 13

Wow, the month is almost over - I have succeeded in my Match.com challenge for the month - so that's a good thing. But I didn't write a single message. Yet.

April 12

Lots of open tabs and nothing got typed. I did notice that OK Cupid changed again - from having its cute quiver full of three matches, to sending out daily match emails. Sad thing is, not a one of them seems like a match from my standpoint. Or at least none have so far...

April 11

Guess what, still haven't written a note.

April 10

Nothing. Rien even.

April 9

I have 14 open Match.com tabs. Wow, fourteen. They all must have appealed to me in one way or another at some point. So I will just go through the tabs and see what happens.

Note one - the first woman lives somewhere in NY that I have never heard of - wants a next door neighbor - found it - a town of 7,000 people. There isn't anyone within her radius. Oh well - I guess this is G&G - my note was ok - not great.

Well, my second tab - one that I was excited about even though I was out of her age range - has apparently left the building. Oh well. I hesitated. I lost. My guess, though, I wouldn't get a note back. I base this on not getting any notes back from anyone I have written to lately. Sigh.

Note two - a women whose picture I liked before - I don't know if I wrote her a note or not - I might have - I might not - leaning towards having written - oh well - I didn't allude to it in my new note. Not awesome, but ok.

Note three - I am not sure about this one - I think I closed her tab and then re-opened it. A little heavy on religion - but what the heck. I am in a typing mood. - too late - she has left the building also.

Note three - I am out of her age range - so probably grins and giggles. Not a great note at all - but not a "Hi, ur hot" note either.

Closed the next tab - just couldn't send a note -

Note four - I am torn about this one - I am going to write just because I have fingers - she seems like an interesting person, yet...ok note. Didn't flow all that smoothly - as if that mattered...Good notes never have won fair damsels no matter what Cyrano would like us to believe...

Note five - This woman looked at my profile and didn't write. Not much in her profile. Not a bad note if I must say so myself.

April 8 - Happy Birthday to me!

And voila, I move out of a few people's age range now. What a huge difference a day makes. And no, I didn't write any notes on my birthday. But I will make up for that on April 9!

April 7

Still no notes. That is just because, well, Monday was pretty full too - even though the show at the Smith is over.

April 5

Where did I go? Who am I? Why am I not writing? Oh, right, I was quite busy with a show at the Smith. Balancing that and taking care of mom and taking care of myself didn't leave a lot of time for writing. Sigh.

April 6

Not a blooming note. Neither out nor in. Lots of open tabs, though. Not scabs, tabs. Though maybe there is a reason those things rhyme...

April 4

I doubt I will get to any notes today - another long day at The Smith.

So I ended up starting and sending one note - to a 43 year old woman who lives in Rochester - I don't think we are a match for a couple of reasons - but I still wrote her. I wonder about my sanity at times... 

April 3

Sigh. As I said in my "share" notice to my google circle, this is getting ludicrous. No one is writing back. I am beginning to get a complex!

April 2

Wow, April has flown past! Um...

I have a couple of tabs open and will send a couple of notes today. Kinda burned out after the big note day yesterday.

First note - 40 year old POF woman - very short, basically empty profile asking us to ask her anything - and to tell her what a perfect first date would be like. I said - well - here this is what I said -

"Well, there is a perfect date and a perfect first meeting and I believe those to be two very, very different things. A perfect date takes into account who both people are - and since I don't know you, I could only make up some fantasy date that might or might not appeal. For one person, a romantic candlelit dinner in the 7th arrondisement might be perfect. For someone else, a picnic lunch on a cliff overlooking the ocean might be more apt.

As for a first meeting - I think getting together to chat would be a pretty good way to start."

How's that?

Second note - 50 year old Match woman - again with the short profile - but there is something about her that piques my interest...

Third note - 47 year old POF woman who is a musician and a driver. Hmm. Not too far away.

April 1

I don't generally do the April Fool's thing - it takes too much thought and effort to come up with something clever. And I don't usually plan too far in advance. Which is why I also would not be good at the whole revenge thing...

Fact - I have 8 open tabs - 6 are Match.com and 2 are POF. One is a woman I have written before so I won't say more about her than that. So, seven open tabs...

First letter - match.com 38 year old - I live within her circle of passion, er, desire, er distance - but am too old - so I fear this is G&G - still, worth a shot, right?

Second letter - POF 38 year old who lives in NY State - very short profile - succinct even. But because of the distance - and probably age - I doubt I will hear back. Who am I kidding? There is no way in hell. I don't think anyone has written back in months! Ok, that is a slight exaggeration, but not far off the mark...

Third Letter - 44 year old POF woman not too far away - again, a very brief profile - letting her pics do the heavy lifting - dropped her a decent note.

Fourth letter - 49 year old Match.com woman - not a long distance away - I am even within her age limit! Wow! She looked at my profile and didn't write - which is probably a bad sign - but I believe in taking the bull by the born, damning the torpedoes and all that crap. Ok, I don't really, but I thought I would write her on the off chance that she is one.four in a thousand...

Fifth letter - 42 year old who match woman - I don't live in her circle of preference - but I do match her age. Sadly she is looking for a "MAN" which I take to mean a GQ model with lots of money. I am only a man - a moderately handsome guy who gets by. And I don't eat car parts and poop gold. She says she wants Funny - I have said this elsewhere - I call bullshit. Most women say this and then just about anything else trumps that desire. How do you know someone is funny if you don't communicate with them? I can be funny - even when writing - if given the opportunity. Humor, for me, needs to be tailored to the audience. Humor is not generic - generally...

Closed the next tab - getting towards profile burnout for the morning...

Sixth letter - 47 year old woman match woman - within her distance and age range (for another week)(age that is) - though she likes boating and skiing - two activities in which I rarely participate - the last time I went skiing was in high school - and it was cross country - and I don't really like the water - why - you may ask, am I writing. Who the heck knows at this point? Flinging spaghetti at the fridge and seeing if it sticks, I guess...I made a funny, I think - though it might be too obscure for her - she said she wanted someone driven - I said I didn't have a chauffeur. Tee hee?

Seventh letter - a 45 year old match - older than the 50 she is looking for - her profile sounded a little bitter and jaded - but I really liked her handle and was curious what she meant by it. Will I hear back? Hahahahaha. Ha.

And that's all for now - tabs all closed. Time for a nap.

March 31

I have a bunch of open tabs - 9 it looks like - now, I think I am just making a point. That most women either don't really want a relationship or at least don't want a relationship with me. Which, mathematically makes sense, of course. Still, it is frustrating...

First letter was to a woman who lives in Toronto - 40 years old - on ok Cupid - 65% Match and 15% enemy - so not really a great match - she just appealed - but I am sure it was jut G&G for me.

Second letter to an empty profile with a picture - G&G.

Maybe I should make it a contest - see who can guess how many messages I can write before I get a positive response. By positive response, I mean something that is intended to further communication and the process of getting to know another person. Fear not, I wouldn't throw the competition by writing a lot of bad emails. G&Gs for sure, as I just feel the need to write and to be doing something. I think I might be close to 30 now...

And OK Cupid tabs are responsible for eating my computer's memory. Poo on them. Lesson mostly learned - if I see an OKC person, write them and close the tab immediately

March 30

6 open tabs - two of them are the women who "liked" my pictures - I will start with writing them.

First one - 49 year old match.com living not far away - only one picture and a very short profile - not the best note - but it is easier when I have more to work with.

I wish I had kept track of how many women in their profiles say that they want someone who is funny or humorous (ok, few use that long a word) or can make them laugh. I think all of these are different from someone who is fun. I am certainly funny. How "fun" I am is a more serious question. I don't really think I am all that "fun." Not in general at least...

Second note - 57 year old match woman - looking for someone fun - likes motors - lives near NYC - so definitely G&G.

Third Note - 47 year old match woman not a great distance - she didn't want games so my subject was "No Monopoly?!" - And the note went downhill from there. :)

Fourth note - 46 year old match woman who also lives within fairly easy driving distance - we seem matched on the surface - her profile sounds as if it was written by someone with not a great command of English - though nowhere does it mention that she isn't American. I am guessing she isn't from around here. :) No, I am not being racist. I am being a linguist...

Two notes to p-crushes to whom I have written before and didn't hear back. I don't expect different results. But if I don't try, well, I won't have tried. Right? I thought they were two great notes. I am not going to hold my breath though...much as I would hope that would work and that would cause them to write. I will admit that it has worked once - and that didn't work out as planned. She turned out to be fairly uninteresting after all. Everything happens. :) What a surprise, one of them looked but didn't write. Sigh.

Fifth Note - 37 year old OK Cupid woman - blank profile, no questions answered - looks like she is Russian - though she lives in Dresden, NY (according to OK Cupid) She hasn't been online since Feb 2 - so my guess it is a fake profile. Sigh.

Sixth Note - 53 year old match.com woman - seemed very interesting - she read my message but hasn't bothered to write. Sigh.

I try and try and try not to get excited about people and their profiles. But I find it hard to do that. And when they don't write - which is so close to every time that it bears no mentioning - I just can't help but feel a smidge frustrated.

Variations of Gender attraction vis a vis dating and relationships

This sounds like a sociological study - doesn't it! Sometimes I wish I had studied more social science. Anthropology, Sociology - that sort of thing. But I didn't. Except through osmosis and 50+ years of living...

What follows are some thoughts that started in a thread with a correspondent. I know that I have written some of these same thoughts in my relationship book. Sigh - it sits on the computer and on the shelf - unedited and abandoned. Maybe I will get it done one day. Still looking for a female editor/co-writer...

Gender comes in a wide range of flavors - where straight men are concerned I would say the gamut runs from Masculine men through men who are balanced with their male and female natures to effeminate men. As straight men, we all prefer women to be our sexual partners - but the women who appeal to us differ. Masculine men I would think would be more interested in Feminine women. Men in the middle might gravitate to women in the middle and men who are more effeminate might like stronger, more masculine women. Of course, this is broad stroke generalizing - this isn't true in all cases, but I think it could sort of be true overall. As an independent woman, one is more apt to attract either a man who is not as independent or someone who is in the middle more than someone who sees himself as the rugged manly man who might feel himself a knight in shining armor.
What the percentages are, I don't know. Is it a bell curve? With most men falling on either side and few in the middle - a very pointy curve perhaps. Life is fairly replete with bell curve distribution - with lots of different shapes to said curve style.

By the way, I am 52-3, 6'1" head full of darkish hair and a pretty good body - yoga works wonders for me. So, yes, I do expect a certain level of attractiveness in a potential partner. Am I out of line? Expecting too much? I am not expecting a 25 year old who works part time as a model and spends the rest of her time as a stock broker or research scientist. I am hoping for a women who is mature, capable, together and is reasonably attractive. Age could be anywhere from 21 (tee hee) - ok - 35 (I know that's still pretty young) to 65 (though I think this as unlikely as the 35 year old).

When I meet someone, I do hope for sparks. And if not sparks, at least mutual interest. If there is that, we can go forward and meet again. One woman I met twice and I just couldn't see going any further. If there is effort involved, the deal is usually no deal. She was pleasant and I would have been happy being friends with her - but when it comes to friends, that requires effort as well. Friendly is easy - acquaintance - not so hard - friends - harder - good friends - harder still - best friend or significant relationship - more time and more harderer. And friendship is even more challenging when it is mostly a one sided affair. At all levels.

March 29

Wow, the month is nearly over. And I have been at this for nearly two months. Eeek! Time flies when, well, it just flies.

I have three open tabs - all are grins and giggles messages - two want men younger than I am (physically) and one wants a GQ model sugar daddy. But, I am a glutton for non-responses. I just can't seem to get enough of them! :)

One of them, though, is a woman I wrote to before and didn't respond. This time will be...the same, I am sure. I don't think I am even in the same universe as she is.

First note - OK Cupid 36 year old woman who just caught my eye - nothing scintillating about her profile or pictures - I just liked her vibe - 76% Match - 10% Enemy - definitely G&G.

Two women have liked my photos. What the heck does that mean? According to the last time - one will say she has already found someone and the other send me a thanks but no thanks message. Well, we will see what happens with them tomorrow. 

March 28

Thank you for the feedback on my potential profile text. I will make some tweaks and post it - probably over the weekend. I sincerely doubt it will make any difference at all - but I will feel better for having done something new and exciting in my never ending search for a partner.

Yup, nary a letter yesterday - two reasons for that - one was that I was pretty busy at work - and two was that I wanted to wait until I posted my new profile text. This is what I am going with for now:

Dear Potential Partner,

Finding a date or even a life partner is a bit like looking for someone to fill a job, don’t you think? As the hiring manager, are you primarily looking for reasons to hire someone? Or are you looking for reasons to not hire someone?

Reasons to pick me: intelligent, funny, honest, moderately handsome (a friend recently told me I was "even more handsome in person"), curious, adventurous (not thrill seeking), creative, productive, energetic, educated, traveled, polite, patient, indefatigable, happy, all around cool guy, and, as you can tell, humble. Also, 9 out of 10 people who would recommend me as a partner say that I am witty, charming and playful. (The tenth is hiding from me, relocated somewhere in witness protection, apparently.)

Reasons not to pick me - well - you can decide what those are on your own.

I seek someone whose positive qualities are in line with mine.

As another friend said - for me, trying to describe myself in words is "like a dance trying to hang itself on the wall of a museum." Meeting me is probably the only way to start to "get" me. But writing me a note is a good start.

Sincerely, with a smile,

Augustus

What do you think? Will the responses start rolling in? Scads and scads of them. Ha. Hahahahahaha. Ha.

March 27

I have posted a take on a new profile text. Maybe it is too dry? So far, no one has commented on it. Poop.

First note - 40 year old Match woman - I don't think we are a match - so G&G.

Second Note - 44 year old Match woman - who I think is great - teeny p-crush - sadly she wants someone who lives 10 miles away. Sigh. Doubt I will hear anything positive back (reverse magic works 1 in 10,000 times!).

Third note - 40 year old match woman - only wants someone up to fifty. Sigh. A decent, not great note.

New Profile Thoughts

To paraphrase the Emperor Joseph II to Mozart in Amadeus - "There are too many words." This is in reference to my profiles. I know when I am looking at a woman's profile, too many words can be a little off putting. But if I am interested enough, I will slog through. Too few words is off putting too. Finding the right balance - well, that takes effort. This is what I have come up with. Comments are welcome.

"Dear Potential Partner,

Finding a date or even a life partner, is a bit like looking for someone to fill a job. As the hiring manager, are you primarily looking for reasons to hire someone? Or are you looking for reasons to not hire someone? If you truly want a relationship, focus on the positive; if you don't want a relationship, focus on the negative. My guess is that most people look at profiles and focus on the negative.

My positives: intelligent, funny, honest, moderately handsome (a friend recently told me I was "even more handsome in person"), curious, adventurous (not thrill seeking), creative, productive, energetic, educated, traveled, polite, patient, indefatigable, happy, all around cool guy, and, as you can tell, humble.

My negatives - well - you can decide what those are all on your own.

I seek someone whose positive qualities are in line with mine.

As another friend said - for me, trying to put describe myself in words is "like a dance trying to hang itself on the wall of a museum." Meeting me is probably the only way to start to "get" me. But writing me a note is a good start."

So, what do you think? And should I add my allegory/story thing?

March 26

Only three open tabs - and I don't know if I want to write them before I put up my new profile or not. Probably will - hesitate and you are lost, lost, lost I tell you! Lost!!

First note - 52 year old POF woman with a brief profile - her complaining filled more than her description - no rudeness and half naked (or more) pictures apparently. (She wrote back with one word - Hello - how helpful is that?!? Well, at least she wrote back...)

Second Note - 51 POF year old woman with two pugs apparently - I am tempted to write more and more descriptive about these women - but I won't. Sigh. My note started well and fizzled at the end. Poo.

Third note - 53 year old POF woman - I just thought her profile sounded interesting -

Fourth note - This is the one I am most interested in - in the ones I had open - Match.com - 43 but only looking for someone up to 50 - I wonder if women put this knowing that some men will write them no matter what - or expecting that men a few years older will still write. Who knows?!

March 25

Bazillions of open tabs and my browser and computer are moving glacially slowly. Sigh. Gotta close a bunch of them. Soon. Maybe at lunch time - busy Smith day today.

I really should close the OK Cupid pages first - they are the ones that eat the most memory - all the ads (since it is a "free" site). But no, I can't do anything logical - I will write to a POF person or three.

First note - I will readily admit that I am more apt to write to a woman whose photos appeal than to a woman whose photos don't appeal - or to a woman who has chosen not to post pictures for whatever reason. Funny thing about this one - she says she is a fiesty red head but her one picture shows someone raven haired - and she isn't enamored of men who live with their moms. So I doubt, one again, that I will hear back. 44 POF woman - lives not horrendously far away - ok note. Does anyone want me to post the notes I write?

Second note - 49 year old POF woman - not too far - decent note.

Third note - OK Cupid woman - 38 - 94% Match, 8 % Enemy - Lives too far away and is too young - I just wrote her a G&G note - telling her how wonderful she was.

Closed two match.com tabs because I just didn't feel especially motivated to write them right now.

Fourth Note - OK Cupid Woman - 40 - 94% match 4% enemy - Too far away again - so another G&G note extolling her virtues - if people won't swell my head, I will swell theirs!

Fifth note - OK cpupid woman - 36 - Total grins and giggles since she is a 52% match and 51% enemy. What the hell am I thinking?

I was only writing till midnight - and that time has been reached. Closed six other tabs - just because I couldn't be bothered...

March 24

Maybe I am going about this whole online dating thing incorrectly. Maybe I should just write notes that say - Hi - I don't say this in my profile because I don't want all of the crazy people writing me, but I am rich. Rich beyond your imagination. Wanna fly to Paris for the day? - Augustus - Then if anyone writes back I can tell them to go cluck themselves.

But I couldn't do that. Dishonesty, though rampant in my life, is not something that I could bring myself to do, just to get responses. Sigh.

Ok, so I have a lot of tabs open but didn't write a single note. Maybe tomorrow.

Post Profile Madness

Below are the "about me" bits from the three online services I currently frequent. And, I am still looking for feedback on thoughts you think I might include in a new profile.

 From Plenty of Fish: (My favorite of the three)
***I am currently living in Geneva, NY, acting as full time caregiver to my mom (who was diagnosed with Alzheimer's). I had an epiphany about this - it is sort of what parents do for their kids, only in reverse. So if you have kids, you know what I am going through - right now, she is sort of like a ten year old...And you know that I do have time to meet people, but it has to be budgeted. And since I am keeping her in her home, for the time being, I don't get out much...***

If you are still reading, hurrah! If you aren't, well, hmm, you aren't and you won't see what a nifty person I am and I will never find out how nifty a person you are. Sad, really. Going to cry now...

By the way - I may have been born in 1961, but I feel as if I were born in 1962! Er, 1982. :)

My second book is now available on my website and on Amazon. I taught myself to program for the iPhone and published a game in September 2012. To pass the time and to keep me somewhat sane, I write a blog or five. (One mostly.) I also work as the Technical Director/ Production Manager/ Film Maven for a multi-use venue in my home town. You are all welcome to attend events there!

I speak a few languages, have lived in various parts of the country and the world. I love to travel, and have visited all 50 states and more than 20 countries.

Please do not be afraid because my current picture portrays me with long hair. Hair comes and goes, the me inside remains the same. Did I mention that I am, at some point, planning to donate much of my hair to locks of love? And look, I shaved!

Distance isn't that worrisome to me. I have a car, and there are other modes of transportation. If the connection is important enough, things can be worked out. In my opinion.

As for who I am looking for, that is easy and hard to say. I think we all have ideas of what or who our partner would/could be. But those aren't really helpful because the Universe will offer up people who might not fit our picture. And we might dismiss them because of our beliefs. So, suffice it to say that if you love yourself and think you are great, I might find you to my liking as well.

Some things I like - that if you like - well, we might just get along: The Princess Bride, Firefly, Court and Spark and The Wheel of Time Series.

PS I will always respond - it is just the way I am wired. Why? Because I think that anyone who sends a message deserves a reply. And what's more, I am not opposed to getting to know anyone better - even if I don't think there is an ice cubes chance in Hades that we will make a romantic connection. Yay people!

PPS Here's a story I wrote - Once upon a time, a woman was hoping to find love, so she joined an online dating service. She said, I know I will find a good man, the Universe will provide him. Later, she got an email in her in box. A good, nice note, nothing too exciting, but good grammar, and it showed a little thought. She looked at his profile and thought - too old! - and didn't respond. She said to herself, I know I will find a thoughtful and witty man, the Universe will provide him. The next day she got another message - a thoughtful note with a little bit of wit that actually made her laugh out loud. She looked at his profile and thought - too far away! - and didn't respond. She said to herself, I know I will find a man who will be a great and loving partner to me, the Universe will provide him. The next day she got yet another email, full of nice thoughts and interesting observations that seemed great and even loving - she looked at his profile - he's not my type! - and didn't respond. Eventually the woman ended up alone or with the same type of man who she had always chosen in the past and ended up miserable in love. In the afterlife she lamented her state and said, Universe, why didn't you send me a good, thoughtful, witty, loving man? The Universe responded - who do you think sent the man who wrote those great email messages?!

PPPPS Life is short - laugh and love a lot.

From Match.com:
Starting at the very beginning would take a long time. Instead, I will start at the end and move back and forth. Currently I am taking care of my mom, who was diagnosed with dementia in April of 2010. I am also working as the Technical Director of a theatre. And working on a few book/writing projects. What else about me? I have long hair currently, though this has come and gone over the years. Movies, books, hiking, pool and food (oh, and good beer) are things that I enjoy. Not all at the same time, but some combinations of the above can be fun. 

Who am I looking for? If I knew who she was, we would hopefully be in each others' lives already. Some one who is smart, funny, interesting and interested would be great! 

Here's my philosophy on online dating (and life perhaps): Once upon a time, a woman was hoping to find love, so she joined an online dating service. She said, I know I will find a good man, the Universe will provide him. Later, she got an email in her in box. A nice note, nothing too exciting, but good grammar, showing a little thought. She looked at his profile and thought - too old! - and didn't respond. She said to herself, I know I will find a thoughtful and witty man, the Universe will provide him. The next day she got another message - a thoughtful note with a little bit of wit that actually made her laugh out loud. She looked at his profile and thought - too far away! - and didn't respond. She said to herself, I know I will find a man who will be a great and loving partner to me, the Universe will provide him. The next day she got yet another email, full of nice thoughts and interesting observations that seemed great and even loving - she looked at his profile - he's not my type! - and didn't respond. Eventually the woman ended up alone or with the same type of man who she always had chosen in the past and ended up miserable in love. In the afterlife she lamented her state and said, Universe, why didn't you send me a good, thoughtful, witty, loving man? The Universe responded - who do you think sent the man who wrote those great email messages?!  

From OK Cupid: (OK Cupid is broken up into lots of little sections with text - I have included a few of those in addition to my main "about me" sort of section.

I'm an empty essay here me shout...now, wait, that's something about a little teapot...I just had a thought last night - that I have a Dumbledore/Gandalf sort of look perhaps. Anyone think they are "hot?"

I had forgotten, actually that I had no self summary. So, here is an attempt at one: long, tall, funny, smart, well-traveled, decently-read, edjimacted, curious, polite, fit, fun, silly and artistic. Ta da!

Once upon a time, a woman was hoping to find love, so she joined an online dating service. She said, I know I will find a good man, the Universe will provide him. Later, she got an email in her in box. A good, nice note, nothing too exciting, but good grammar, and it showed a little thought. She looked at his profile and thought - too old! - and didn't respond. She said to herself, I know I will find a thoughtful and witty man, the Universe will provide him. The next day she got another message - a thoughtful note with a little bit of wit that actually made her laugh out loud. She looked at his profile and thought - too far away! - and didn't respond. She said to herself, I know I will find a man who will be a great and loving partner to me, the Universe will provide him. The next day she got yet another email, full of nice thoughts and interesting observations that seemed great and even loving - she looked at his profile - he's not my type! - and didn't respond. Eventually the woman ended up alone or with the same type of man who she had always chosen in the past and ended up miserable in love. In the afterlife she lamented her state and said, Universe, why didn't you send me a good, thoughtful, witty, loving man? The Universe responded - who do you think sent the man who wrote those great email messages?! 

 

Currently, my main project in life is to help my mom stay in her house as long as we both can manage. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2010. I haven't been diagnosed with much of anything recently. Yay!

I am also, finally, working in a field I love and being paid to do it! Theatre work! How lucky can one person be?  

Favorite books are mostly Sci-Fi or Fantasy (yes, I like to not live in the real world sometimes) - or the ones I have written - I like those too...My favorite movie is The Princess Bride. I know, inconceivable! Firefly is my favorite TV series. Court and Spark is one of my favorite albums. The Wheel of Time series are one of my favorite sets of books. If you like any of those, we might just get along. Heck, we might get along if you don't like any of those...

March 23

I got another picture like - I will write her - even though we don't seem like a good match - she loves ice hockey. But you never know, right? - Ok, I wrote her. Now, will it be 1) a canned Thanks but no thanks, 2) a note saying no thank you, 3) no response at all or 4) a response saying, what the heck, let's try this... (She chose option 3)

First note - 59 Match.com woman near Cortland - wow, seems like she is full of vigor. I dropped her a fairly boring note - she wanted passion and I didn't send her much.

Second note - 62 year old match woman - not that far away - she doesn't want someone as young as I am - but I liked her profile so wrote her anyway.

Lots of open tabs - but most of the notes would be for G&G - live too far for them, too old for them, that sort of thing. Sigh.

March 22

The month marches on. I have two tabs open. One of them I think I have written to before and I believe she never wrote back. But I will write her again since she showed up in some mailing from Match.com...

First note - Match woman who was 51. I wrote her a decent note.

Second note - OK Cupid woman - 43 lives in CA - I am outside her age range and distance range. I just enjoyed her profile and pictures and wrote her a lovely, lovely note. At least I think it was lovely. I am still asleep. Zzzzzzz I must admit to a teeny p-crush on her.

March 21

First thing I did was respond to one of the women who had liked my photo and then responded to me saying thank you, but no thank you. I still don't get why on earth you would like someone's photo only to then say no to getting to know them better. Whatever. People are strange.

First note - Match woman who is 40 - only wants someone up to 50 - but I wrote anyway - probably G&G - but I loved the energy she showed in her pictures and in her short profile (anything under 200 words is short in my book...)

Second Note - March woman who is 52 but only wanted someone 30 miles away - I think as the crow flies I am 37 miles away from her stated address. I sent her an ok note.

Third note - Grins and Giggles to a POF woman who's handle said something like "great hair." 52. I think. Not a match at all. 18 typos and mistakes in her 20 word profile text. And she likes country music primarily - a clear sign that we would not get along in this world...

Anatomy of an online miss

This is the anatomy of one of my "relationships" on the internet. The same sort of thing has happened quite a few times, where I communicate with a person for a while and then suddenly there is an implosion and what seemed like a promising connection evaporates. I am sure it is mostly me, since I am always one part of the equation. That being said, I do like to spread the blame around - makes life a little more palatable when I don't consider myself to be soley responsible for every thing that happens in the Universe (even when, depending on one's philosophy, I really am).

I do want to say that the other person in this narrative is undoubtedly a great person in her own right. With her own issues, strengths and weaknesses. I am trying not to be vituperative or trying to assassinate anyone's character. I am trying to write an impartial (well, my own flavored sort of impartiality) account of one particular relationship.

A while ago (beginning of March?), I wrote a note to someone sort of close but relatively far. Surprisingly, she wrote back. Yes, I am always surprised when someone writes back. As those who have read this blog so far, the math shows that I am right to be surprised when I get a response of any kind, much less one where the other person is actually interested in communicating and perhaps getting to know me better.

Thus began a limited engagement. Since she lived around 5 hours driving in one direction, meeting would take time and planning. Her coming to visit me was pretty unlikely since she had pets and didn't drive. I would have been happy to do what I have done before in similar situations - go and pick her (and her little dog)(yes, she was witchy)(in a good way) up and bring her back to stay here for a week or two. That would have taken real planning on her part (which she seemed to make no move to do). So it was all on me. I had made such a plan to make the time to go visit her. And I was happy to do it. Anyway, in the meantime, we only had electronic means of communication at our disposal. Turns out, her only functional tool was a smart phone. Her computer didn't have a camera or the whole thing didn't work or both. I am still unclear what the issue was there.

We started, as many such things start, with lots of frequent emails to one another. Her thumbing her way through messages - two thumbs type faster than one, apparently - and I writing most of my messages on my computer. At some point she suggested a call. I agreed, reluctantly.

Let me tell you about me and phone calls, especially in this cellular age. I have an older ATT 3gs iPhone. The cellular reception I have had for the past 14 years - a few here and the rest in North Carolina, has been spotty at best. Conversations are iffy, usually. I hate having a conversation and having to continually say "what was that, you were cutting out" or "sorry, I didn't hear what you said" etc. The less than stellar connection is only the first part of that. There is the added difficulty of not knowing the other person's speech patterns or intonations. You know when you watch a British show on TV - it can sometimes take a few minutes to acclimate your ear to what they are saying. And forget about any slang or references to things that are familiar to them. Cultural differences. Those frustrate me on the phone as well. Lastly, I don't think I hear as well as I could. Perhaps because of the long hair...Anyway, after we have met and we are continuing to get to know each other, I am much more comfortable with talking on the phone.

Next, I don't like talking on the phone around other people - I find it rude. My mom is always around. And she has selectively excellent hearing. I can sneeze in the back office and mom will hear it in her bedroom and call out to ask me what is going one! Ok, that might be a slight exaggeration (but not by much). Often when I am on the phone, she will a) think I am talking to her or b) stand and try to talk to me or listen in on the conversation. Not pleasant. So, if I want to talk with someone on the phone, I prefer to do it after mom is settled for the night - or when I am out and about.

Oh, according to the witchy woman, people who don't like to talk on the phone are hiding something. Apparently she couldn't call me because her plan sucked for calling the US. If calling was so important, I would think she would make the effort to call, whatever it took. But she didn't.

We did end up speaking on the phone once. A very pleasant conversation, I thought - despite the glitchy connection and the other awkwardnesses. Interestingly, the first time I called, she didn't answer. Even though we had planned it. She said she didn't think I was going to call and when I did, she didn't feel like talking. And a second time, I called, and she had had a hard day didn't feel like answering, even though we had planned it. What kind of crap is that? Two "dates" blown off. Definitely huge red flags there.

Speaking of red flags, she refused to take pictures of herself and send them to me. I wasn't asking for racy pictures - though I wouldn't have been offended if I had gotten any (I loved the way she said she dressed). But the picture on the website where I met her was fuzzy and dark (and 7 years old). She did send one picture of herself - even worse in resolution and clarity than the one she had on the website. Funny how pictures of things in her apartment turned out fine, but pictures of her didn't. I guess she didn't have a mirror and couldn't manage a selfie. Red flag anyone?

Then, we had a great day - in my opinion - chatting online - well, swapping messages back and forth, all day. She too agreed it was fun. Then silence. Nothing at all for an entire day. Keep in mind, please, that our primary method of communication was messages. Since we were planning to see each other in April, I felt that we should communicate as much as possible up until then. Keep each other fresh in our minds. Connect. She rarely, if ever, initiated a conversation. And she was abysmal at asking me questions, which to me always feels like a lack of interest. I didn't write her for a day because I wanted to see if she would initiate conversation. She didn't. So I sent a nice little note. Nothing. Next morning, another little note. That afternoon, another. Evening, another. The next morning, I wrote saying I was worried. She eventually wrote back that I was a drama queen and this wasn't working for her. I wrote her a note that said "Hi Xxxxx, Bye Xxxxx." She defriended me on Facebook a few hours later.

Such is life. Such are many of my experiences on the internet. Rock on Garth!

March 20

Spring has sprung, at least officially. The weather man hasn't been told, though...

More notes. Yay! Also trying to finish up a post about a not successful internet relationship. One of many, sadly. More successful than some, less successful than others...

First note - POF - slight p-crush on her. 50 and lives in the next town over (sort of). Short but well written profile. Hopes are high, which will mean a lower low when I get no response. But my lows are still pretty high, generally. Except when they aren't.

I have 11 tabs open. Eeek! How does that happen?

Second note - Match - 44 living not far away - brief profile - but I got a conservative vibe from her. Someone said, I think Anne Coulter (ick), that most hot women were Republican. Could she be right?

Closed the next tab - 9 to go -

Third note - Match - 49 year old - living within a decent circle - not very long profile and again I got a conservative vibe. Maybe as women get older they generally get more conservative? Eeeek!

Fourth Note - Match - 42 - another little p-crush - whenever I have one of those -which is about one in 50 profiles I think - I am more reluctant to write that first note. Sigh.

Fifth Note - Match 51 - Not that far away - she was interested in men up to 70! Go her! My note was not awesome - but it was ok enough, I hope.

Sixth note - 44 year old POF woman in a city I have heard of but am not exactly sure where it is. Oh, there it is - not that far away at all...

Seventh note - 48 year old POF woman - very near by - but the name of the city is misspelled. I wonder how that happened. Weird. Not a lot of pith to her profile...

Eighth note - 42 year old POF woman - I just saw her pic and clicked on her - four word profile. I might have to change mine to be short - Great guy looking for great gal/woman. Maybe I will get more responses. True, most of them would probably be unlikely candidates, but still...

Closed another tab. I don't know why, but I got the impression she was a smoker, even though she didn't say she was...not that I won't date smokers, but if I don't have to, I would rather not.

And closed the last tab. I might reopen hers again sometime, but right now, I am not feeling it...

Two women liked photos of mine - so I am going to write them. The chances are maybe 50-50 that they will write back...

Ninth Note - 46 year old woman who lives down near NYC - She had a nice profile - I wrote  a nice note. (She sent some sort of automated message saying she had recently found someone and wanted to see where that went.)

Tenth Note - 53 year old who lives not too far away - Great profile - very clear - not sure we will hit it off since she seems more fitness oriented than I am, but you never know...(She sent a message saying she didn't want a long distance relationship.)

Ok, that just is weird. Why like people's pictures and when they write, blow them off. Sigh. Whatever, at least they both "responded!"

March 19

Open tabs, open tabs, open for a day - Oh what fun it is to write a couple notes. Olé... (Sung to a popular Christmas time tune...)

First note - to an OK Cupid woman who is 52 - apparently OKC has done away with listing the friend quotient - so - 62% Match - 16% Enemy - not the best, but not too terrible either - I miss the friend %...I don't expect to hear back from her.

Second note - another OK Cupid woman - she is 56 - 77% Match - 17% Enemy - although she lives in PA, she says she is interested in meeting people from Anywhere. And although I live somewhere (Geneva, specifically) I hope that will not be an issue... :) (She looked but didn't write)

Third Note - OK Cupid woman who looked at my profile (I think I looked at hers awhile ago) - and didn't write - so I wrote her. 88% Match 14% Enemy 38 and lives not too far away. I wrote her a funny note - but didn't ask any questions...

Fourth note - OK Cupid - 51 - lives in PA so, not all that near. I looked at her profile long and hard, despite a not good % - 50% Match - 24% Enemy - I was very tempted to write. She then looked at my profile, so I wrote her. Take that! Bazinga!

Fifth note- Match - 43 year old not far away - Thoughtful profile - looking for hard working though - is that another code word for conservative?

Got a random message from a 28 year old in hawaii saying I was cute - yet, OK Cupid didn't show her as a visitor. And she had no profile picture. I wrote back - because, well, I like to get the last word (not always, but whenever possible) and said hi in a funny way. I bet she is a scam or not real or both.

Sixth note - Match 35 year old woman who appeared in my match mail - we are not a match - she wants someone as old as 38. Sigh. I wrote her anyway - G&G. 

Seventh note - Match 48 - she looked at my profile but didn't write. I don't think that means much as I find that few women initiate communication with me. Or with anyone in general. Perhaps I am mistaken about that...(She sent me a canned "No Thanks" note. Her loss.)

Eighth note - POF - 43 year old woman but too far away is my guess. I wrote her a note anyway. Quite a captivating smile...

 

 

 

March 18

Sincerely doubting I will write any new messages today.

Well, so much for that. I did write a note - to a match woman 44 - living within striking distance - and I am within her age parameters. She seemed a bit too into things I don't like to be a match, but one never knows. Maybe auto racing/motocross really isn't that big a deal to her...

So many women put a priority on financial stability. Sigh. I know it is probably genetic. Wanting to feel secure (not gold digging). Still, I always balk when it comes to writing to people who value money so much that they put it in their profile at least once (usually two or three times).

Second note - Plenty of Fish - 39 years old - lives about an hour away - doubting she is a fit or will write back in any case, but what the heck, right?

Third Note - Plenty of Fish - 47 year old - not too far - says she is a preppie hippy chick - so maybe I will actually get a response. Nah...

I actually got a very nice note from a woman who I wrote for Grins and Giggles. True, she wasn't interested in getting to know me across the semi-vast distance, but still. That was positive reinforcement. Yay.

March 17

Interesting thing happened. Last night, after a beer (um), I wrote quite a few unexpurgated, perhaps even vituperative (yes, I went there) thoughts. Notes I would like to write to women - about them and their profiles, about their lack of responses, about reasons they might be alone, etc. Of course, I also reflected a bit and wonder if I shared in their issues and that that was part of the reason I am not in a relationship. Then I went to save the post. It closed ok. When I opened it up again, most of the new stuff had been magically erased. Which is probably a good thing. Doesn't mean I didn't think it or write it. Just means that it probably shouldn't have been written for the masses (so far, only 4 people seem to be consistently reading this blog - so much for stealth blogging)

Sent my first note to one of three women who appeared in my daily match letter from Match.com - all three are in my age range, but they all want men who are only at most 50. Sigh. So, an exercise in grinning and giggling, I guess. Just what I need, notes to hone my message writing skills. The first was 45 and wanted someone only 25 miles away - her profile was really bare bones. I think she was letting her picture do the heavy lifting...

Second note to a woman suggested by match after I sent the first note. She was 50 and also wants someone who is her neighbor. What is up with that? Anyway, I sent her a nice note...

Third note - 49 year old match woman who again, wants someone who is only 50 and lives next door. What is going on here? Nice profile - only one picture, though.

Oh, I was thinking of putting up a picture from each decade that I have lived. Maybe that would be a selling point. I am also thinking of redoing my profiles  - leaving out all mention of my current situation on focusing on funny and full of life. Which I am. Sort of. On a good day. Which happens about once every four months...

Fourth note - 51 year old woman match who wants men who are at most 50. Sigh.

Fifth note - 46 year old match woman who is actually looking for me! At least that's how I interpret her profile...

I closed a couple of tabs and decided not to write one woman on OK Cupid - she lived in Canada and although I have had some people write me back from there - the percentages are even lower with women North of the border.

All I really want to say to all of these women to whom I write and who don't write back is, well, not polite. So I won't write it. But I think it. Vehemently. With prejudice. And soy sauce.

Sometimes, there are people I hope will write back. Those are the ones that cause my heart the most stress. Which isn't a lot, but it isn't nothing...

Match - 49 years old - within our mutual distance desires - Yes, I am taller than she says she wants - but I can slouch, can't I?

March 16

This feeling rarely comes and when it does it goes fairly quickly.

Last night I got a bit, not depressed, that isn't the word. Hmm, let me explain how I felt and maybe that will get me to the word. I was working at a concert at The Smith. By the way, I have had this feeling before, and I might have written about it, so if this is all repetitive, oh well. I feel like I need to write this again. This is after all a way for me to get my thoughts and feelings out while also making me believe I am doing something creative, fighting entropy and indolence in my own little way...

Where was I? Oh, yes, at the Smith. I can't remember if The ought to be capitalized, or Not. I am thinking it ought to be, yes, digressing...

All theses people, many of whom were women. Lots of couples. Some people I knew, others I had seen before, lots of new to me people. And I couldn't tell, from a glance or two, who I thought was attractive in a potentially romantic partner sort of way. I had doubts that I would ever be able to find someone with whom to share a part of our lives. I couldn't figure out if any effort I made was going to make any difference. Ennui perhaps? But stronger than that. More of a sense of futility and forlornness. But nothing that made me want to crawl under a rock and putrefy. And it passed. Mostly. I did a bit of smile therapy - tried to look and force a feeling of enjoying myself into my body - and it worked. Mostly.

I think it was finally coming down from a smoothie induced natural sugar high. (Ok, I don't really, though I do know that my mood is often affected by the food I eat (or don't eat).) And I know who I blame for that...

See, I do feel better - even better today. Hope is, once again, springing from despair!

First note - I didn't think I would actually send any notes today - but I got over that feeling - OKC  45 - too far away so G&G - 85% Match 70% Friend 13% Enemy

Second note - POF - 50 year old - lives in Brooklyn but didn't seem to be interested in someone just near to her. Anyway, very appealing profile. I think I wrote an excellent note. 

March 15

I am going to see how many notes/tabs I can handle in an hour. It is 9 now, by ten, how many? Any guesses?

First note - POF - 42 year old just on the edge of her distance limit - I think this is G&G because she looks very, very conservative - and she rides motorcycles - which in and of itself isn't a bad thing - but it isn't something I do, so...

Second note - POF - 43 not too far - short profile - which gives me not a lot to work with - but I managed a decent note. When there isn't much there, I make use of the handle (the user name) if I can to make the note more interesting. This one ranked about a six on the Augustus note scale.

I was thinking of writing one woman who seemed interesting, until I looked at some of the pictures she had posted - she was looking for the Marlboro man sort - not me by a good measure! So, closed that tab...

Third note - Match - 50 year old - honestly, not all that excited about this note, but she "liked" my profile and that deserves a note, don't you think? And who knows, right? At least that is my philosophy when I write and "like" others. So, turn about is fair play. That is so funny! The woman must have liked one of my pictures or something and didn't read my profile. And then she sent a "no thanks" canned message in response to my nice note. Wow! And Phew!

I commented on a picture of a woman on Match to whom I had sent a message (and surprisingly didn't hear back...) a while ago - the picture was obviously from some St. Patrick's Day event - so I told her about the Town Pants.

Fourth Note - POF - 47 year old woman who put a list of likes and dislikes as her profile - interesting choice - nothing at all about who she was looking for - unless it is someone whose microwave is sparkling clean is an indication of something...

Fifth note - POF - this one is definitely a G&G - I am guessing it is a straight up fake profile - it says she is 43 and then in the body of the message she says she is 34 - her pictures all look as if they were done professionally - like a model - and she is model pretty. Her profile seems a little too pat. She misused "your" (should have been you're). I don't know - and of course, I do not expect an answer...Not the best note - but I am sure it is better than most of the blathering drooling messages the profile is undoubtedly getting...

Closing a tab is not like not responding to an email. There was an initial attraction but upon some contemplation, I decided that I didn't want to write her, for whatever reason. In this particular case, I just got the feeling that I wasn't her type - which doesn't always stop me from writing - but this time it did.

One question I sometimes ask is "Where would you most like to travel?" I think, when it gets answers - which is, obviously, rarely - shows a good insight into the person. If they say Cancun or an island or something - we probably aren't a good match. I will travel to those places, just not top of my list. If they say someplace European, that says one thing. Asian, another. African, a third. South American - well, that's where I want to visit, so, yay!

Sixth note - POF - 46 - Not a long ways away - she says she has crazy hair - I like crazy hair - good length, informative profile. I do worry a bit about people who are looking for "generous" significant others...

Seventh Note - POF - 35 living too far away - definitely G&G. - Well, that solves that - I didn't fit her hidden criteria - probably too old and too far away. Whatever. It was a nice note, too...

Seventh Note - POF - 48 living too far away - I am writing her because she looks like a woman who an acquaintance of mine knows. G&G for sure...

I wrote to a woman who has looked at my profile at least twice. She said she wanted someone who would make her smile - and I had to have done that or she wouldn't have looked at my profile. But she didn't write - so making her smile wasn't enough to warrant a message. Next.

And that's all I wrote - I closed six tabs - three match and three POF - just because I didn't feel like writing them at this time. If they pop back into my radar, maybe I will. But seven in 40 minutes will have to suffice.

I think I would rather find a good pen pal than find people who were icky when I actually met them.

Oops, checked my mail and realized that someone else had also liked my picture - so I sent them a note - does that count as a message to a new person? Kinda, sorta, I guess.

March 14

Lots of open tabs again. Sigh. I must admit to some reluctance to keep bashing my head against this wall. But I keep thinking how nice it will be when I can eventually stop. And, honestly, it gives me something to do. Yes, taking care of my mom and working at the Smith both take up time, and daily, weekly, and monthly home and personal maintenance take up time. As do other funner activities that I do sometimes (juggle, play piano, play xBox, read, write (oh, look, I'm writing now!) use minutes in a day. And they are all valid uses of my time. I would, though, I think and believe, like to be in a real, happy, healthy long term relationship. And unless I happen into a woman at The Smith - or a traveling sales person (hmm, would I really have lots in common with someone who was a traveling sales person) knocks on the door, I believe that expanding my surface area by continuing to send out message after message, reaching out to all and sundry, just might make me feel like I am making a true effort in finding a life partner.

I posed a question on my status line on FB about being in a relationship with someone who dictated who your friends could be. I limited it to FB, but that sort of behavior has been happening throughout time. I, of course, am of the opinion that if someone told me that I couldn't be friends with so and so or else, then I might very well choose not to be in the relationship. Love, which we hope is the basis of a relationship, is, to me, about acceptance - which also encompasses respect and trust. I accept my love, my partner, as they are - which means I respect their choices and trust that they are doing the best they can for themselves. And if that includes being friends with someone that I think is not in their best interest, I might mention my belief to them, but not "forbid" them to have anything to do with that person. Once I have shared my thoughts, I can then re-think our own relationship. Maybe the person I am in a relationship isn't the best person for me to be with.

First note - G&G since our match percentages are messed up (OK Cupid - 45 - not far sort of) 50% Match 37% Friend 32% Enemy - eek actually... All she had for most of her answers was "sex sleep eat drink dream" Sigh.

Second Note - Probably also G&G because she lives in Canada - but nothing ventured... - 40 and 74% Match 45% Friend 7% Enemy - Short and sweet and clear profile! Going for a slightly humorous note. Wish me luck! - She said distance was an issue. Lame. Whatever. I wrote her a note I always mean to ask - especially when I have written a decent note - which I did in her case - which is "Does she receive notes that are twice as good from people half the distance away?" I sincerely doubt it...She responded that she was new and that mine was the best so far! Maybe mine was the only one. Who knows? Still, it is somewhat reassuring to hear that I give good notes!

Next note - I don't remember if this is a first note or not. I remember this woman and am not sure if I put fingers to keys for her before - I think I did - but I can't recall. Oh well. Damn match for not keeping track of all messaging history! Glarp even. 

Third Note - Match 45 - probably G&G because I get a conservative vibe from her - and because she only wants someone 50. Age is just a number is a mantra I often here...Anyway, she lives almost next door in a relative sort of way. My note was nice, but not great. 

Fourth Note - Match 37 - not far - but the age is wrong - and again I get the conservative vibe. So I sent a G&G note. 
 

March 13

Too far? Really? That's an excuse for not getting to know someone? Personally, I think it is a lame excuse. People used to get to know each other through snail mail across continents and oceans. And these people think that 200 miles is too far? No wonder they aren't in a relationship. God knows I would be thrilled to find someone in my town, within walking distance. It hasn't happened - it could, but it hasn't. Until then, I am happy to get to know anyone anywhere - because life is short and why say "no." That is just fear talking and I try not to buy into fear whenever possible.

This diatribe is because several times people have said that they don't want to get to know me because I live too far from them. It could be the actual reason, and if it is, well, I guess we really weren't compatible and best of luck to them. I will give anyone the opportunity to convince me that they ought to be a part of my life - even when I think they aren't someone I think would be a positive factor in my existence. Why not? What have I got to lose except for a little time and energy? Energy I have in abundance, and time? Who knows, I might pop off tomorrow or they (whoever they might be and if they decide to share it with the hoi polloi) might discover the key to eternal life in my lifetime.

Wrote a note to a woman on OK Cupid - 43 living not so very far away. I liked her profile and it seemed we have many similar tastes. Will she write, or won't she? Time will tell...She looked and didn't write. Yet. I have had people who took a month to write. What that is about is anyone's guess. I just write them off mentally if they look and don't respond at that point.

March 12

I would love to be surprised by someone actually writing me back. That would be nifty, in fact. I do realize that part of the problem lies in the fact that I write to people who aren't interested in me. But my question is - how do they know? A profile is just a profile after all - and isn't the real person. No chances, no quarter is given - ay matey? Arrr. I feel like making the little hook finger gesture and looking for a parrot on my shoulder.

The first note - POF - 43 year old - not far - calls herself a hippy - so I have a little, wee hope that she might be interested in someone who looks like a hippy (though this hasn't seemed to be the case in the past...). And her profile is written in pidgin English which is a little scary...

The second note - POF - 42 year old - not too distant - very light profile - asked us to ask her. Sigh.

Does it count as a new message if I write to a person I saw on one site and then write to her on another? I don't think it does. Doesn't much matter in any case as she didn't seem all that interested on OKC. I doubt she will be interested on Match!

The third note - Match.com - 44 - near and not far - good profile - nice pictures - not really a great match - and the version I am looking at doesn't tell me her age range or distance range, so, this is probably just for G&G.

Closed a bunch of tabs because the notes would have all been G&Gs and I just didn't feel up to writing them. Instead I wrote a fourth note to a match woman who is 54 and lives within driving distance. I thought it was a nice note. Funny even. Oh, just noticed that she isn't a paying member so I have to write her yahoo account. Sigh.

I also wrote a woman who I had written before but who never wrote me back - even though she said she would. Oh well. I am graciously giving her another chance.

And someone wrote me back! Yay! So I am going to write her back. That'll show her!

Fifth note was to an OK Cupid person who is 50 and lives far away. I found her interesting enough to forget about the distance, but who knows what she will think. The note was decent. (She wrote back and said it was a lovely note!)

March 11

Here it is, a third of the way through March. Yippee.

First note - a woman looked at my profile but didn't write - what does that mean? Does it mean anything? I mean, most women don't write first emails. I don't know why, but they don't. Anyway, I thought she was interesting, so I am going to send her a note - Match - 48 within her travel distance - I don't think that we are a great match, but better than some and worse than others. Not a great note. I got the sense from her email that she was looking for someone to come live in her house and do the heavy lifting.

March 10

One would think...then again, perhaps it is better not to. Sometimes. Most of the time?

Anyway - I am up and will try to go back to sleep in a bit. First, a note.

One - POF - 48 - Not far - afraid it will get bounced because of her requirements - let's see - it went through! Not a breathtaking note - but who knows...

It is sad that so many people look and don't write. On POF, only one person has written back and she has now removed her profile - probably because she found someone...and it wasn't me.

March 9

(Sung to the tune of "Spam") Tabs, tabs, tabs, tabs...

I am going to do a few notes today. Just because one never knows, does one?

First note - Match.com - 46 years old - but only wants someone within 20 miles. Sigh. The only attribute that was important to her was that the guy be taller than 5'10"! I am taller - pick me, pick me! :) Not the best note I have written, but better than - Hey there sexy, wanna hook up?! (I hope it is better than that...)

Second Note - Match.com - 41 years old -  only wants someone who is 50. God I remember 50. I haven't changed, much, since then. My "use by" date hasn't come due yet. Yet. Sent her an ok note.

Third note - Match.com - 47 years old - I am in her age range - but seriously, I don't think we have that much in common. She seems much more athletically adventurous than I have ever been. Well, the worst that can happen is that I will be called a racist! Oh, wait, that already happened. I probably just won't hear back. That would be new and different (novel, even...)!

Closed five tabs because, well, for various reasons. Most of them I closed because they wanted someone only up to 50. Heck, why not go for 55? Hmm?

Does writing to someone to whom I have already written count? I don't think it does. Because what I am counting here is messages to new people. This woman is not new to me. It would be new if she responded, though...

Fourth note - Match.com - 37 years old and living within the circle - but I am way older than she is looking for - so this is a G&G for sure -

Fifth note - POF - 48 year old who lives relatively close by. All she is looking for is someone to grow old with. Not a lot there to latch onto - so my note was not too scintillating...

Sixth note - POF - 52 years old living within the circle of life. Not much in her profile - just a list of things she likes to do. Whatever - not expecting a response...

I truly can not say it often enough - I am dumbfounded that my response rate is so low. I wonder if I should just start sending messages like "U R Hot! Let's get nekid" I bet my response rate would be better.

The whole notion of "out of one's league." Is that in current parlance?

Seventh Note - Match.com - 44 years old - I think she is too conservative for the likes of me - but she was in my daily match mail from Match.com. I wrote her an ok first message.

One of the match.com women - I don't know which one of them since I do a good job of not giving too much detail about them - sent me a canned "not interested" not. Sigh.

March 8

I have a bunch of notes I can write. It was refreshing to take a day off. And I did come up with a good piece of writing. It could still use some work - but it is good enough for profile adding!

Premiere Note - Match woman who looked at my profile (maybe after I liked her picture) but she didn't write - 45 years old and not too far away. Some pith to her profile, but not a lot. I dropped her a nice line. 

Not sure what comes after premiere - not derriere...anyway, next note - OK Cupid 75% Match 64% Friend 23% Enemy - 55 - not far away - she looked at my profile - which is nice to know, but doesn't tell me if she liked it or not - or how long she stayed...seems a bit on the conservative side, but who knows, it didn't hurt to send her a message...(She already wrote back once)

Third Note - Match.com - 45 year old - not too far but only wants someone up to 50 and someone right next door - so I guess it was a Grins and Giggles. 

Fourth Note - Match.com - 56 years old - she made me a favorite but didn't send me a note. Why make someone a favorite if you aren't going send them a note? Ok, sometimes you just like them but their age and distance requirements don't fit you at all, so you make them a favorite, hoping they might take a look at your profile and send you a note. Makes sense to me...

Fifth Note - Match.com - 38 year old woman - she is looking up to 50, so what's a couple more years. Looks a little like Uma Thurman (in a good way) to me. Still, I think this is a G&G.

Sixth note - Match.com - 47 years young (tee hee) only looking to fifty though she was willing to go as young as 36. I guess she is young at heart! She dared people to write which makes me think that she might actually respond with a positive message. Ok, not really. Just trying out the optimism thing...

And that's all I can muster today. I closed three tabs without writing - maybe 5 even.

 

March 7

I'm not feeling it today. I took a gander at OK Cupid matches and was severely underwhelmed. And since none of the people I wrote yesterday have, surprisingly, not taken it upon themselves to send me a note in return, I am just not feeling up to writing any notes today. This could, of course, change. Anything is possible.

I am going to add something to my profiles. I doubt it will help, but one never knows. Does everyone know the parable that goes something like this:

One day a man was listening to the radio and heard flood warnings for his town. He said, I am not afraid, God will take care of me. Later, a policeman knocked on his door and told him he should evacuate to higher ground because of the flood. He answered, I am not afraid, God will take care of me. The rain started raining and the flood waters started rising. The street in front of his house (and his first floor) was flooded. He was on the roof over his porch. A man in a canoe paddled by and offered to paddle him to safety. He called out, I am not afraid, God will take care of me. Later still, the waters rose higher. He climbed to the roof. A powerboat came by and offered to take him to safety. He shouted out, I am not afraid, God will take care of me. The waters rose even higher so the man climbed his chimney. A helicopter flew by and offered to fly him to safety. He yelled at the top of his lungs, I am not afraid, God will take care of me. The waters continued to rise and eventually the man drowned. In the afterlife he came to God and said - God, I was firm in my faith. Why didn't you save me? God responded - who do you think sent the radio message, the policeman, the canoe, the motorboat and the helicopter?!

So I am going to adapt it to:
Once upon a time, a woman was hoping to find love, so she joined an online dating service. She said, I  know I will find a good man, the Universe will provide him. Later, she got an email in her in box. A nice note, nothing too exciting, but good grammar, showing a little thought. She looked at his profile and thought - too old! - and didn't respond. She said to herself, I know I will find a thoughtful and witty man, the Universe will provide him. The next day she got another message - a thoughtful note with a little bit of wit that actually made her laugh out loud. She looked at his profile and thought - too far away! - and didn't respond. She said to herself, I know I will find a man who will be a great and loving partner to me, the Universe will provide him. The next day she got yet another email, full of nice thoughts and interesting observations that seemed great and even loving - she looked at his profile - he's not my type! - and didn't respond. Eventually the woman ended up alone or with the same type of man who she always had chosen in the past and ended up miserable in love. In the afterlife she lamented her state and said, Universe, why didn't you send me a good, thoughtful, witty, loving man? The Universe responded - who do you think sent the man who wrote those great email messages?!

Is it a sign of liking someone to think when looking at a pile of culled, sorted-out, "magically delicious" charms, "I'd share those with her?"

March 6

I closed all the open tabs last night without writing to 10 of the people. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. It is a lot of work, crafting even short notes of icebreaking. And I just didn't feel up to it.

That being said, who has three more open tabs? This guy...

Note the first - OKC - 45 85% Match 59% Friend 12% Enemy - lives a bit further than either of us would probably like, but there you are - or rather, there she is...anyway, I dropped her a nice note - we are both in the same boat - taking care of our parents. We shall see - OKC says she responds frequently...

Note the second - OKC - 90% Match 74% Friend 6% Enemy - 37 - not far and I am within her desired age range - hope rears its ugly little head (or is hope a pretty critter? Hmm) - My note was not awesome, but it was serviceable...

Note the third - OKC - 61% Match 71% Friend 22% Enemy - G&G as she doesn't want someone as old as I am - heck, it might not even go through - sometimes people in foreign countries (even Canada) make that a requirement. It went through - not an inspired message.

It isn't that I am impatient. Or maybe it is. Sometimes when I write a note, it is the waiting to hear back that is irksome. I do try to fill my life so that waiting doesn't seem like waiting. But sometimes, even through all of the activities, in the back of my mind I am thinking - is it time to check my mail again yet? Is it? Now? Now? Now?  

Note the fourth - Match - I showed interest in her a while ago she is 43 and lives not far away - only interested in someone up to 50. So, probably G&G on my part - not the best note...

Note the fifth - Match - 47 - in my daily matches - not far, yay - and is definitely seeking someone older. I am older. Not much in her profile...just noticed she wants someone 25 miles away...so, probably G&G. Not a great note... 
 
 

March 5

13 tabs open - must close tabs...

First note - POF woman - G&G - because she lives on Long Island - 49 years old - I just liked her profile - well written and intriguing. Which is what I said in my note.

Second note - POF woman - G&G - because she lives in NY - 44 years old - her profile was ok - it was her picture that caught my attention.

Third note - OKCupid - I have had this tab open for a while - she lives in Montreal - is 33 and seems quite interesting. 87% Match 85% Friend 11% Enemy - this, though is another G&G because she only is interested in men up to 40. 

I got a message at POF! I was very excited, until I saw that it was from someone in the POF company. They were telling us that they had added a field to the profile talking about how ambitious one is. What interested me, though, was that, apparently, I have had sex with way more than the average amount of women. I don't consider myself overly sexed - about average, maybe a bit less than average. And here it turns out that the average guy has had 6.1 sexual partners by the time they are 44. Oops. 

A woman I wrote to yesterday wrote back today. Her message was pleasant and ambiguous as to whether or not she was interested in getting to know me better. Her desire list said she is looking for friends anywhere... 

March 4

Late start today - for one reason and another...

First Note - OKC woman looking for friends. Somehow I think I wrote her before. And I don't think her profile picture is actually her. 66% Match 66% Friend 19% Enemy - Anyway, I wouldn't mind hearing from her.

One of my friends is of the opinion that people on OK Cupid tend to answer the questions flippantly - so the ratings are reliable. Could be true!

A match woman made me a favorite. She is only 27. Well, I thanked her for making me a favorite thinking that her profile would be gone in a few hours. This morning, I got an email from her. I wrote back and her response - the exact same message that she sent before. Probably a bot. She sent two more pictures - quite a lovely young lady - one, though, was from 2005. And she gave me her yahoo address - so if anyone wants to write her, feel free: ( DOBRAYAZAYA ) at (y.. a.. h.. o.. o..) dot (c.. o.. m..) which I take to be dobrayazaya@yahoo.com. Dobray in Russian means something like "good" and is used in phrases like Dobray Utra and Dobray Dien (Good morning and good day). My guess - she is a Russian come on. In my relationship book, I have a whole chapter on these - there was a period of about a year when I corresponded with a lot of Russian women - most of whom weren't real apparently. In the end, they all asked for money for one reason or another - a visa so that they could come visit - airplane tickets since they had a passport - money for school - etc. Of course I sent it...hahahahaha. No, I did not. I am crazy and a romantic and all, but not that crazy. I don't think...

 

March 3

Wow, really? A racist? I can't imagine how she got that impression. She probably didn't - it is probably her fears that pushed that idea into her brain. I ask just about everyone where they are from. It is an easy question to ask and leads to great insights into a person's sense of self (when it is answered - which, as we know, is seldom because most people do not respond to my emails). It occurs to me, maybe most people don't respond to most emails, so I probably shouldn't feel singled out for being not responded to.

Note 1 - Match woman who is 54 and lives within the circle of reasonableness - she says all she is looking for is someone who can put a smile on her face and make her laugh on her worst day. Ha.

Note 2- Match woman who is 54 and is "interested" in me. No picture, which is always a bit of a concern - but what the heck - who knows, right?

Note 3 - OK Cupid is working again - yay? Wrote a women who is 37 and lives an easy distance away. Good percentages - 90% Match 78% Friend 9% Enemy - I get the feeling I may have written her before and she didn't respond then. I don't know. Sigh.

Am I alone (well, yes, obviously, but...) in this opinion - what we think we look like and what we look like to others are not necessarily (and probably infrequently) the same thing. This is a tangential thought, actually, to my current (though I have had it before but probably haven't put it down in this blog) thought - that sometimes I get the feeling when looking through someone's pictures - if they have posted any and more than one - that a certain picture is actually most representative of how that person would look to me in "real" life. That the others are good representations of her sometimes, but that one in particular is most what she really looks like every day. 

Note 4 - p-crush alert! Of course, I am not at all who she is looking for - too old (and smelly) and too far away - but still...84% Match 83% Friend 8% Enemy - not bad percentages - lucid and interesting - well traveled, engaged in the world. G&G obviously...Yes, I gushed a little. Sigh.
 

March 2

After the exchange yesterday, not sure I really want to write any more letters. Goodness.

OK Cupid's pages seem to be messed up again. Why do companies play with their sites all the time?

March 1

I guess I will continue this thing. It makes me feel like I am trying to move forward on my dating situation. Even if all I am really doing is beating my head against a wall...

First Note - A long shot - of course. :) She lives in CA - a 41 year old OKC woman - not high percentages - 58% Match 57% Friend 16% Enemy - but she looked at my profile - or at least OKC said she did - she didn't write - so that is not a good sign either - but what the heck, I need to start clearing out some of these open tabs! (See her response below)

Second Note - G&G - OKC - 69% Match 69% Friend 29% Enemy - 54 - No profile text and basically one picture. I looked at her. She looked at me. I decided to write just because I could.

Third Note - Match.com - 41 year old woman who wants to date her next door neighbor. I dropped her a nice line.

Not a new note - to a POF woman who sent me a note or two - but is obviously getting inundated and doesn't find me interesting enough to get to know me better. Doesn't hurt to send it...

Fourth Note - G&G - 46 year old POF Woman - she lives a little far away and seems a bit on the conservative side - I wrote her an ok note. Not my best effort by far.

Fifth Note - another G&G - POF 38 year old woman (hence the G&G) - Says she is a Free Thinker - but everything about her screams conservative...

Sixth Note - Match.com woman who is 49 and lives within driving distance (reasonably driving distance, I think - less than 500 miles...)

Seventh Note - Match.com woman who is 43 and a former rock star? Anyway, little hope to hear back since I am over her age range - though the rock star thing does encourage me a little that she might find my looks not as off-putting as some others apparently do...

Eighth Note - Match.com - 39 year old woman who "viewed" my profile - I liked a couple pictures a while back and didn't write because she only wanted someone up to 45 - but since she looked, I figured I might as well take the chance...

I don't often do this - but I just had to share - An OKC woman I wrote today got this message from me:

Great profile! Are you from CA originally? How is school going? I liked how you described feeling ageless. I feel that way most of the time, too.

I totally agree that the best relationships are one where people connect on all levels! Do you speak any foreign languages? Have you done much traveling?

I hope this finds you well and happy!

Augustus

She responded:
Good Morning Augustus,

Thank you for your message! I am not originally from Cali......My parents/family are from Italy and I was born in Argentina, so Race: Caucasian: Nationality: Argentinian Ethnicity: Italian.

I speak Castellano....or what we call Spanish. I have only been back to Argentina once, in 1987. I do plan on traveling a lot, soon.

How about you? Where are you originally from? 

Followed by this:
You know what? Forget it dude! The only reason you asked where I am from.....is because you are a racist and are trying to weed out foreigners! Go to hell old man! Did you really think I was interested, just because I answered your message? ahahahahaha

AS IF !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow. Ok. Whatever. I wrote her back a note:
I thought you seemed like an interesting person. I asked where you were from because not everyone was born where they currently live.

I was born in geneva ny. I lived in the sf bay area for ten years. My ex wife was from mainland china. I have traveled to 30+ countries and am about as far from a racist as you are likely to find.

Your profile was intriguing. I actually like the picture of you without makeup a bit more than the other one.

Best of luck in your search!

Augustus 

She wrote:
Hey racist man.....leave me alone, okay? Bye, bye!

I blocked her.

Oh my goodness, me racist? Ha! Whatever.

Moving on...Ok, I still think that is about the most bizarre thing ever...

Feb 28

Holy crap, has it been a month already? All this work and what are the results? Well, I will write about that tomorrow or the next day. I will also decide if I am going to keep this up or not...

Here's a confession for you - I, too, have a fear of rejection. No matter how many books I have read and seminars I have attended and life experiences I have, er, experienced, I am not a fan of rejection. I do try to let rejection slide off my back (Her loss, next, whatever - etc.) but that doesn't mean that the implied rejection (sometimes not so much implied as explicit) doesn't hurt. And not yet being a masochist, or even one who is covered in an admantine shell of self-love (Hey, I do love myself, a lot, but...) I still feel hurt. And weirdly, oddly, I don't enjoy the feeling. I have not learned to embrace the pain and let it go. Not completely. Or not enough to make running toward rejection easy. Though, every once in a while, I do manage - like my two 10+ days of note writing. Followed by a couple of days of melancholy, admittedly - still. I did put myself out there. I try to live a life that acknowledges fear and moves through it to love. Fear is, after all, the mindkiller. Doesn't always work.

This all came from my lack of interest in asking for help. I am sure that comes around to two fears - fear of rejection and lack of trust (which is fear that the other person won't live up to their stated choices). And dating, especially asking someone out on a date - especially out in the real world - is asking for help. Isn't it?

First note - to a woman I have seen and written to on POF, OK Cupid and now Match.com. I am sure to get no response. She responded once on POF about a year and a half ago...and she wasn't interested in then - so I doubt she will be interested now...

Feb 27

Two realizations for this blog.

First realization - mom is getting worse and I feel worse and worse leaving her alone for long periods of time - by long I mean four hours or so. And by alone, I mean not in the same house. I don't spend my days sitting with her...which means that dating will be more of a challenge unless people are, ha, interested in coming to Geneva to meet me. Hahahahahahahaha. Ha. Haha. Ha. (Uncontrollable fit of laughter...)

Second realization - ok, not really a realization - more of a statement - I am going to add something to my website about liking The Princess Bride (which I think is there on most of my profiles (well, at least one of the three active profiles) Firefly (might be on one), and Ender's Game (Or should I make that the Wheel of Time series). Hmm. We shall see.

Feb 26

Starting off with a Match woman who is 41 and not far away, but only wants someone who is 44 - I could pass for 44 - in a dimly lit restaurant, as long as she wasn't looking at me...what does it matter, who I am fooling - the chances of her writing back with a positive "let's do this note" are about 1 in 100. No guts, hmm, what would one do if they had no guts. Digesting food would be difficult...

I think I need to whip off some notes - get some of these tabs closed.

Note the Second - before doing that, I closed four POF tabs for one reason or another - most of them just lived too far away for their comfort and honestly, they weren't all that appealing in the light of day. So, my second note is to a Match woman - 40 years old - I think I have written her before - but what the heck - match doesn't remember so I can't be sure - It was a G&G for me - she is a conservative politically, which means that she wants a conservative guy - into which category I could never, ever fall - except I do try to conserve electricity and water. Does that count?

Note the Third - probably also G&G for me as she wants someone who lives within 20 miles - but at least I am (for a couple more months) in her age range! 50 year old woman who is willing to go up to 52! Wow, living outside the box!! Not a great note - truly not all the motivated to write...

Note the Fourth - Ok, couldn't bring myself to write any more notes today. I just closed all the tabs. Sigh.

Back to Note the Fourth - An OKC person who was way too young - 36 - right on the bottom of my possible age lower limit - Ok, not really, according to half plus seven, 33 is the lower limit - anyway - she lives not too far away and her profile was good. And our percentages - 91% Match 83% Friend 0% Enemy - well, I don't think I have ever seen 0% enemy before!

Note the Fifth - POF - 48 year old woman living around 40 miles away - seems cool so I sent her a decent note. Ok, all of my notes are decent, this one had its cute moments...(well, she responded - mainly in order to raise the percentage of people who responded - how sweet - but it seems it was only for that reason. Moving on...)